Crypto Catastrophe: How a Single Month Drowned $364M in Scams—And One Poor Soul Lost $330M

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Ah, April! What a month, what a philosophical farce—if Nietzsche had invested in crypto he would have written volumes bemoaning the foolishness of humankind, and perhaps pawned his mustache for Bitcoin. In just these brief, rain-soaked days, the crypto world groaned, twisted, and surrendered a monumentally absurd $364 million to scams, hacks, and phishing. (Phishing—not fishing—though frankly, both require a hook.) Astoundingly, white-hat hackers—those rare, crusty old idealists—still managed to hand back about $18.2 million, as if flipping a beggar a coin on the Nevsky Prospect. 🪙

But come! Let us wade—boots heavy with existential dread—into the mire of lost hopes and digital wallets.

$364M—Gone to the Hounds of Phishing

Revelations from CertiK—a modern oracle with a blockchain in place of a soul—confirm nearly $364 million evaporated in April against the clicking of keyboards and the digital gnashing of teeth. A month so catastrophic, it’s almost poetic—if your taste in poetry runs to despair and internet memes.

#CertiKStatsAlert

Combining all the incidents in April we’ve confirmed ~$364M lost to exploits, hacks and scams after ~$18.2m was returned.

KiloEx, Loopscale and zkSync all had funds returned by whitehat exploiters.

~$337M of the total is attributed to phishing.

More…

— CertiK Alert (@CertiKAlert) April 30, 2025

Phishing gobbled up $337 million alone. Oh, the gullibility of man! Give these fellows a suspicious email, a dash of urgency, and—voilà!—all their precious crypto, spirited away quicker than Raskolnikov could pawn a watch.

A singular tale rises above the generalized misery. Imagine, if you would, a senior citizen—one of those stolid Americans who survived world wars and recessions—falling prey to the digital cunning of a thief. This poor soul lost 3,520 Bitcoin, over $330 million, and now doubtless contemplates the Abyss (or at least, a sternly-worded letter to customer support) after being lured in by a modern Mephistopheles. 🧓💸 Truly, the fifth-largest hack in crypto, but perhaps the greatest in existential anguish.

To contrast: March’s losses were a mere $29 million. Ha. Innocence. In April, damages leapt over 1100%—a figure even Dostoyevsky would find melodramatic for human suffering. And even if we dismiss our American Dosto-hero’s colossal loss, April’s wounds were still a festering $34 million (21% up from March). Congratulations, I suppose. 🥂

On February’s Frolic: ByBit and the Billion-Dollar Ballet

Going back in time (as all Russians inevitably do), February brought forth a $1.53 billion massacre, headlined by a $1.4 billion Bybit hack. The Lazarus Group—famed North Korean cyber-bandits—released their inner Ivan the Terrible and waltzed away with the loot. Largest hack ever, they say. I say: if Sisyphus invested in crypto, he’d roll that stone right onto his own foot.

The Fools’ Silver Lining: $18M Returned

Amidst this digital Crime & Punishment, behold the white-hats: those who, upon finding a weakness, return the money like a repentant thief before dawn—well, $18.2 million anyway, which, in crypto, is the equivalent of finding a single clean spoon in a St. Petersburg boarding house kitchen.

KiloEx, Loopscale, and zkSync—mere footnotes in history—were lucky enough to have their stolen coins returned by these white-hat quixotes. May their wallets always be slightly less empty.

May arrives, and this tale stands as a warning. Not that anyone will listen. As the crypto world staggers forward, pockets dripping digital blood, one has to wonder: is security the answer, or simply another question leading us, eternally, into the absurd? 😅🔒

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2025-05-01 10:24