Crypto Chaos: When Trump’s Tariffs Turn Stocks into Circus Clowns! đŸ€Ą

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Imagine a morning where U.S. crypto stocks perform a belly-flop, all thanks to Trump’s mischievous trade imps causing a full-blown market sell-off. 😜

Investors, like astonished children in a wonky candy factory, gasped as worries over U.S. tariffs and a hint of Chinese mischief sent equity futures scurrying away!

Even the stalwart Bitcoin tumbled below the magical $75,000 mark over the weekend, pulling its crypto comrades along. In a twist straight out of a peculiar fairy tale, Strategy—keeper of an astounding 214,000 BTC—suffered a jaw-dropping $5.91 billion paper loss this quarter! đŸ˜±

As if that wasn’t enough of a kerfuffle, MicroStrategy decided not to pocket another shiny Bitcoin bean during the quarter. Its shares performed a 9% downward dance, settling at a pitiful $266.34—a spectacle reminiscent of a snail competing in a race against a cheetah on a lazy day!

Crypto stocks reaction

Over at Coinbase, the mood was equally gloomy. Weaker Bitcoin prices sent trading volumes into a dizzy spiral, dipping to $148.90—a drop of 11.65 points (roughly 7.26%)! 🙃

In a twist that might tickle your funny bone, Cathie Wood’s Ark Invest gobbled up 83,157 Coinbase shares last Friday—worth a sparkling $13.4 million at current prices. Yet, Coinbase’s stock, as if cursed by a cheeky spell, slumped an extra 5% last week and shows ominous signs of more misadventures ahead.

Marathon Digital Holdings joined this gloomy carnival too, with its shares plummeting by 10.12 points—a drop of 1.18 or precisely 10.44%. Investors looked on, alternating between bewilderment and a wry chuckle at the mining misfortune.

Meanwhile, Riot Platform’s stock languished at 6.54 (a slide of 0.60, or 8.40%), while Robinhood’s shares sulked at 30.88, taking a dramatic 3.63-point dive (about 10.52%). Who knew stocks could throw such pouting tantrums?

Amidst all this hullabaloo, Bitcoin’s mining hashrate soared past 1 Zetahash per second—a mind-boggling, 1000X leap since January 2016! Meanwhile, our dear U.S. miners face shrinking profits and equipment costs that balloon like overenthusiastic party poppers. 🎈😅

All these dramatic dips are part of a broader risk-off parade, as major stocks across Asia, Europe, and America shuddered in unison, all in response to President Donald Trump’s cheeky tariffs.

And if that wasn’t the cherry on top of this absurd sundae, Asian markets just endured their worst two-day drama on Wall Street in five long years. Oh, the madcap world of finance! đŸ€Ș

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2025-04-07 16:43