Crypto Gains So Wild They’ll Make You Question Your Life Choices 🤔💸

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If there’s one thing I love more than tracking my own personal failures, it’s horrifying others with tales of financial success—none of it mine, obviously. So grab a matcha latte, steady your nerves, and join me for the great soap opera that is: Top Crypto Gainers, featuring such memorable characters as Fartcoin (that isn’t a typo, it’s an actual coin) and something called Hyperliquid, which sounds suspiciously like a cleaning product I’d use on the rug after the dog gets sick.

Fartcoin (FARTCOIN): Yes, This Is Real 💨🪙

Fartcoin: When naming your child something embarrassing just doesn’t go far enough. Since March, FARTCOIN has surged over 500%—which, incidentally, is also how much more I pay for rent every time I move to a nicer neighborhood. The price has reached what analysts call the “crucial resistance range”—I call it the “please let me out of this family group chat” range—and everyone’s waiting to see if it goes up another 50%. If your therapist told you to say “yes” to more opportunities, this probably isn’t what they meant, but who am I to judge?


FARTCOIN is now cozying up to the resistance zone between $1.24 and $1.31, like a tipsy uncle at Thanksgiving trying to remember who he’s not speaking to. RSI is hovering near “overbought” (for those of us whose only “buying” this month was on clearance), while CMF says, “Actually, things could get ugly.” Apparently, people expect a new all-time high as soon as the price staggers above $1.5. No word yet on whether you can actually buy beans with it.

Hyperliquid (HYPE): Now With More Hype Than Sense 🌊🚀

You have to hand it to cryptocurrency marketers. First, they invent “Fartcoin,” then “Hyperliquid.” Next up: “OvercaffeinatedCoin”? HYPE collapsed in March (relatable!) but is crawling back into relevancy as of April. All eyes are on the $22.5 resistance level, which is apparently a big deal to people who grew up with math in their lives.


Technical analysis tells us there’s been a “Bollinger Band squeeze,” which, honestly, sounds like a fun wrestling move or maybe a disturbing cocktail. MACD nearly crossed over to the dark side but made a swift comeback—basically, the Taylor Swift of financial indicators. Can HYPE crack $28? Possibly! Just don’t expect it to buy you lunch in New York City.

Curve DAO (CRV): The Comeback Nobody Was Waiting For 📈🛣️

Ah, Curve DAO—the cryptocurrency equivalent of your ex texting at 2 AM: “Hey, you up?” After being brutally rejected at the $1 level ever since 2022, it’s trying to claw its way back. On the bright side, the MACD has turned bullish. On the less bright side, the CMF is at lows not seen since…the last time you Googled “how to buy happiness.”


Supposedly, if all goes well, CRV might touch $1.5 “this month.” I won’t hold my breath, but if Curve DAO does succeed, I’ll be over here, counting the coins in my couch cushions and wondering why I didn’t become a blockchain influencer.

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2025-05-01 13:57