Crypto Millionaires’ New Best Friend: Kidnap & Ransom Insurance! 🚨💰

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Crypto Lords and Loot: The Brave New World of Kidnap & Ransom Policies

In a move that could only be described as “what could possibly go wrong?” insurance companies are rolling out shiny new kidnap and ransom policies tailored exclusively for the crypto-wealthy. Because apparently, having a billion in Bitcoin isn’t quite as secure as just hiding it under the mattress—unless you want to be kidnapped by someone who’s read too many spy novels. 🕵️‍♂️

K&R Insurance for Crypto Holders

It seems U.S. insurers are contemplating creating these elaborate plans—think of them as the insurance version of wearing a beware-of-dog sign on your fortress. They’re aiming these policies squarely at the crypto elite, those who have so much digital gold they’re starting to look like sitting ducks. The reason? Well, there have been some rather “vigorous” attempts by criminals to extract crypto fortunes from their owners, including less-than-friendly Parisian kidnapping attempts that sound like plotlines from a bad heist movie (source).

According to some NBC fancy report, these companies see the fear of being kidnapped as an untapped goldmine—probably more valuable than the crypto itself. During a recent Bitcoin conference in Las Vegas, the buzz was all about “protection plans,” which, to put it mildly, are *more* lucrative than most hotel jackpots. Despite being a small niche (because who *doesn’t* want to buy insurance against kidnapping?), this segment consistently makes bank for underwriters—probably because crypto millionaires are easier to scare than a frightened cat. 💸

But wait, there’s more! To truly protect oneself, crypto barons are advised to make their stash less accessible than the secret recipe for Coca-Cola. Ryan Lackey from Evertas Insurance suggests that if you can’t access your money — which sounds like a *good* plan — it’s probably a deterrent for kidnappers who, let’s face it, are not known for their patience or their ability to crack complicated digital safes.

“The perfect product,” said Lackey, “is basically a thing where you can’t get more than a certain amount of your own money out, and paying off potential kidnappers is just a tiny fee.” Because nothing says ‘security’ like telling the world you’ve set your funds to a digital “please rob me, I dare you.” 🤡

Of course, all of this hinges on *security*, which just happens to be a nice way of saying “how paranoid are you?” If you’re walking around with a personal security team—like a secret agent with a badge—the premiums probably look pretty good. Joseph Ziolkowski from Relm notes that if you’re hiding behind the same level of security as Fort Knox, your insurance costs might even be free. Or at least, *less* terrifying.

Meanwhile, for those crypto-wealthy who value their public image—think Elon Musk or that guy who tweets about dogecoin—shutting up and hiding out is not exactly an option. That leaves them pondering whether Kidnap & Ransom policies are the lesser of two evils, or just a new way to keep insurance companies in business while everyone else just hopes to be left in peace. 🤷‍♀️

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2025-06-03 10:59