Crypto’s Favorite Mama’s Boy Begs Trump for a Get-Out-of-Jail Card 🎟️

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In a move that screams “desperate family intervention,” the parents of Sam “SBF” Bankman-Fried are apparently shopping around for a presidential pardon like it’s a clearance sale at Nordstrom. 🛍️ Because nothing says “family support” quite like trying to sweet-talk a former president into springing your fraudster son from the big house. 🏛️

According to a Bloomberg report that sounds more like a comedy sketch than actual news, these helicopter parents have been networking harder than a LinkedIn conference, meeting with Trump-adjacent lawyers who probably charge by the delusion. Their mission? To determine if clemency is possible for their little crypto prodigy turned convicted felon. 🕵️‍♀️

Once the darling of the cryptocurrency world, Bankman-Fried’s empire collapsed faster than my aunt’s soufflé at Thanksgiving dinner. FTX went from being a shiny tech marvel to a dumpster fire of fraud, embezzlement, and financial malfeasance that would make Gordon Gekko blush. 💥

After a criminal trial that was less “Law & Order” and more “Arrested Development,” our boy SBF was found guilty of seven charges that basically translate to “you really, really messed up.” His 25-year sentence is less a punishment and more a very long timeout. 🕰️

Apparently, the family is banking on Trump’s newfound love for white-collar criminals. Because nothing says “presidential pardon” like a hedge fund manager who looks like he dressed himself in the dark while running a Ponzi scheme. 🤷‍♂️

The irony? They’re hoping Trump will do for SBF what he did for Ross Ulbricht – a pardon that’s less about justice and more about making a spectacular narrative. It’s like asking your eccentric uncle to vouch for you at a family reunion, except this uncle has a really complicated relationship with the truth. 🤥

Good luck with that, Bankman-Frieds. I’m sure Trump is just sitting by the phone, waiting to rescue another misunderstood financial “innovator.” 🙄 Narrator’s voice: He was not. 📞

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2025-01-30 23:43