CZ & Binance: The Parasites Devouring Crypto’s Soul (Again)

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Key Highlights

  • Binance, ever the jester in the court of chaos, converts its $1 billion SAFU fund from stablecoins to Bitcoin as BTC plummets 40%-a move critics call “opportunistic” and “theft with a smile.”
  • CZ’s 2023 guilty plea for enabling billions in illicit flows (including to terrorists) led to a brief stint in prison and a Trump pardon in 2025, which critics dubbed “pay-to-play justice.”
  • The October 10, 2025 crash ($19B liquidated) was blamed on Binance’s reckless USDe campaigns, sparking viral X rants and a crisis of trust that would make a Victorian scandal seem quaint.

In the grand opera of cryptocurrency, where volatility is the libretto and rug pulls are the encore, Binance and its enigmatic maestro, Changpeng Zhao (CZ), have become the lead villains in a farce masquerading as a tragedy. One day, you’re sipping champagne on the blockchain’s Eiffel Tower; the next, you’re scrambling up a ladder made of collapsing stablecoins. Delightful.

But nothing embodies this madness quite like CZ, the crypto world’s answer to a Shakespearean tragic hero who forgot the script. Just as the October 10 crash left users clutching their pearls, Binance unveiled a new act: converting its $1 billion SAFU fund from stablecoins to Bitcoin during a market downturn. Is this a bold hedge against fiat’s fragility, or a cynical gamble that users will foot the bill for the exchange’s greed? Why not both? After all, CZ is a master of duality.

SAFU Funds: From Stable to Shaky

SAFU, Binance’s “secure asset fund for users,” was once a noble concept-until CZ’s team began treating it like a piggy bank for their whims. Launched in 2018 with the charm of a Victorian gentleman promising eternal loyalty, SAFU was meant to protect users from hacks. Yet, it has been tapped only once, in a minor incident, leaving one to wonder if it’s more PR than protection.

Now, Binance is converting it into Bitcoin, a move that reeks of the desperation of a man who’s run out of clever lies. Why now? Because when Bitcoin is down 40%, what better time to bet on a rebound while shifting risk onto users? A true masterstroke of moral ambiguity.

What’s SAFU?

SAFU, or “Secure Asset Fund for Users,” was Binance’s attempt to reassure customers that their assets were safe from hackers. Funded by trading fees, it became a $1 billion buffer in stablecoins. But as CZ once tweeted during a system outage, “Funds are SAFU,” a phrase that quickly became a meme. Alas, memes rarely translate to financial security.

Now, Binance promises to rebalance the fund if Bitcoin dips below $800 million. A charming offer, if one ignores the fact that this is less about protection and more about positioning for a bull market. Users, meanwhile, are left to wonder if they’re investing in safety or a casino.

CZ: The Wolf in Silk Socks

CZ’s history is a tale of meteoric rise and moral freefall. From a Shanghai startup in 2017 to a $80 billion fortune, he built Binance into the crypto colossus it is today. But along the way, he allegedly enabled terrorists, drug traffickers, and ransomware gangs to launder billions. A charming résumé for a man who once joked about washing drug money.

In 2023, CZ pleaded guilty to violating U.S. anti-money laundering laws, served four months in prison (a holiday compared to Sam Bankman-Fried’s 25-year sentence), and then received a Trump pardon in 2025. Critics called it “disgusting pay-to-play,” especially after reports of Binance’s $2 billion investment in Trump’s World Liberty Financial stablecoin. A true love letter to corruption.

Binance and the Art of Money Laundering

While CZ’s personal dramas are entertaining, Binance’s institutional sins are more sinister. The U.S. Treasury confirmed the exchange funneled money to Hamas, Al-Qaeda, and ISIS. A 2025 lawsuit by Oct. 7 Hamas attack victims accused Binance of aiding over $1 billion in terrorist transactions. CZ’s lawyers denied any “special relationship” with these groups, but the allegations linger like a bad perfume.

CZ vs. the Crypto Drama Queens

CZ’s feud with Sam Bankman-Fried was a soap opera classic. In 2022, CZ’s tweet about dumping $500 million in FTT tokens triggered FTX’s collapse, wiping out $8 billion in user funds. A true act of villainy, though CZ claimed it was “due diligence.”

Then there’s Hyperliquid, the decentralized exchange that threatened Binance’s dominance. CZ responded by launching Aster, a rival platform backed by his family office. Meanwhile, WazirX’s $234 million hack and Binance’s denial of legal ties earned CZ the title of “evader-in-chief.”

The October 10 Catastrophe

All these tales pale next to the October 10 crash, a $19 billion liquidation cascade blamed on Binance’s “irresponsible” USDe APY campaign. OKX’s CEO called it worse than FTX, while CZ dismissed it as “FUD.” A $600 million payout later, users still demand answers-and a refund for their shattered trust.

Recent Callouts: CZ, the Villain of X

On X (formerly Twitter), CZ has become the target of viral rants. One user called him a “net negative since 2021,” while another accused him of destroying crypto alongside Trump. Justin Sun’s ex-girlfriend even teased “Epstein files” on CZ’s circle. The drama is endless, the trust nonexistent.

Final Takeaway

Crypto’s future lies in decentralization, not CZ’s centralized empire. Binance’s dominance is a single point of failure, and its recent antics-from pardons to parasitic fund conversions-prove it’s more interested in profit than progress. If we allow exchanges like Binance to game the system, the chaos will only worsen. After all, what is crypto if not a stage for the absurd?

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2026-02-03 16:15