Goodness gracious, it seems our chums over at the late cryptocurrency exchange FTX have found themselves in a bit of a pickle! The old bean is hiccupping over “ineligible jurisdiction claims” just as they were attempting to repay creditors who took a drubbing in their rather notorious bankruptcy tumble. Dare I say, it’s like trying to repay a debt with Monopoly money while sitting on a leaky rowboat.
Picture this: Feb. 18 rolls around, and FTX boldly embarks on its first voyage of repayments! Those lovable folk who lost up to $50,000 (dubbed the “Convenience Class”—isn’t that a charming euphemism?) were promised 100% of their claims back—yes, all of it—along with a cheeky 9% annual interest. Why, it sounds like something Jeeves might have come up with if he fancied himself a financial wizard! 🎩💰
But then disaster strikes. On Feb. 21, our hero—and by hero, I mean FTX creditor Sunil Kavuri—steps onto the stage waving a list longer than Aunt Agatha’s complaints about my conduct. The list? Countries barred from collecting a single penny! Yes, Russia, China, Egypt, Nigeria, and Ukraine (among others) have been shown the proverbial door. “Not eligible!” Kavuri declares like a headmaster catching you sneaking marmalade sandwiches into class. 🍞🚫
Mark Your Diaries or Be Left Out in the Cold 🗓️
FTX, the ever-efficient machine (sarcasm heavily implied), has announced its next thrilling installment of repayments set for May 30. They’ve rolled out the red carpet for “Class 5 Customer Entitlement Claims” and “Class 6 General Unsecured Claims.” Sound posh, doesn’t it? Well, it’s really just a fancy way of saying, “The rest of you sorry souls.”
Here’s the catch, and there’s always a catch: creditors must verify their claims by April 11. No claim, no cash. It’s like trying to RSVP for Bertie Wooster’s party at the Drones Club—you miss the deadline, you’re jolly well stuck outside nibbling on regret sandwiches. Oh, and if your claim is over $50,000, you’ll also need to pick a “distribution agent” by the same date. A what now? Sounds rather like hiring a butler to deliver your hard-earned ducats. 🕴️💸
SBF Aims for a Presidential Lifeboat 🛳️
Meanwhile, in a plot twist worthy of the West End, former FTX CEO Sam “SBF” Bankman-Fried is pulling every string in the knotty rug, hoping for a pardon. Yes, dear old SBF’s parents—those intrepid strategists—have reportedly knocked on President Trump’s gilded door, hat (and possibly a bribe) in hand. The mission? To save their boyo from a cozy 25 years behind bars. I suppose that beats amateur dramatics, if nothing else.
SBF, ever the political chameleon, has now flipped his loyalties like a pancake at a garden fete. He’s taken to praising Republicans and lambasting Democrats—despite having previously handed over a king’s ransom in donations to the latter during the 2020 election. One can’t help but wonder if he plans to pay his creditors in political compliments next. “Here’s your refund, sir—it’s a heartfelt compliment about your shoes.” 🥿😂
And so, the FTX saga continues, leaving us all glue-eyed spectators of an unfolding drama that can only be described as financial farce meets legal pantomime. Stay tuned for what absurdity ensues next! 🎭🪙
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2025-02-21 16:16