JPMorgan Predicts Gold Could Make You Rich (Or Just Very Shiny) by 2029

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If you thought gold was just for pirates and dentists, think again 🏴‍☠️! According to the soothsayers at JPMorgan, that shiny yellow stuff could be strutting about at $6,000 per troy ounce by 2029. All it would take is for a tiny 0.5% of U.S. foreign assets to realize that gold is, er, quite nice, and leap into its metallic embrace—causing prices to leap higher than a caffeinated kangaroo.

JPMorgan: Gold Might Soar to $6,000 by Trump’s Term End

So gold, that shiny metal previously best known for being inconveniently heavy and awkward to bite into, is apparently having a bit of a moment. According to those oracle-like analysts at JPMorgan, the bull market could keep stampeding into 2029, all because someone realized “Hey, let’s put a little more money in gold, it’s not like it rusts or anything.” 🚀

In their prophetic note, the analysts claim that if a mere 0.5% of America’s overseas piggy bank gets thrown at gold, up goes the price—like bread when you’re actually hungry and there’s only one bakery open. This tiny shift involves shifting a measly $273.6 billion (cushion change, obviously) to buy 2,500 metric tons of gold. Don’t try storing that in your sock drawer.

Their reasoning? Gold supply is about as flexible as a dried plank. If just 3% of all gold changes hands, prices could rocket by more than 80%. Apparently, in the world of economics, 3% is the new 99%.📈

“While hypothetical,” the analysts mumble, probably while walking backward with palms out, “this scenario illustrates why we’re bullish on gold.” Basically, they’re telling investors to stay golden, Ponyboy.

And despite various trade tiffs, half-hearted truces, and enough headlines to sink a battleship, gold is still lounging comfortably at over $3,200 per troy ounce in 2025. Apparently, there are plenty of people still convinced gold is the best thing since, well, sliced bread that costs too much.

Even outside of JPMorgan’s crystal ball, other financial wizards are chiming in. Frank Holmes, CEO slash chief investment oracle from U.S. Global Investors, reckons gold might just hit $6,000 before the curtains close on a possible Trump encore. The culprit? A global money supply that’s growing faster than the plot holes in a soap opera.

And if your taste in shiny speculative assets runs more to the digital, don’t worry: The same fever dream scenario could propel bitcoin to $150K, or even $250K, mostly because there’s not much of it, and apparently, that’s all you need for a price explosion these days. Welcome to the age of digital alchemy! 💰✨

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2025-05-13 15:30