What to know:
- In a twist worthy of a tragicomedy, JPMorgan Chase will soon permit its client fools to buy Bitcoin — but hold your horses, they won’t keep it in their vaults, Jamie Dimon assures us with a smirk.
- Dimon, the ever-skeptical, still dismisses crypto as a “not a fan,” complaining about its oh-so-glamorous role in illicit midnight rendezvous, money laundering, and other shadowy arts. Ah, the joys of modern finance! 💼🕵️♂️
- Meanwhile, JPMorgan, that bastion of traditional banks, continues testing blockchain technology, apparently convinced it’s just a passing fancy, even as they dabble in the chaos behind the scenes.
Clients of that old-money fortress, JPMorgan Chase, shall soon have the dubious pleasure of dabbling in Bitcoin, perhaps with a flippant shrug, as their CEO Jamie Dimon—ever the archetype of financial cynicism—announces at the annual Investor Day that “we are going to allow you to buy it.” But don’t get excited— the bank will not hold the asset, oh no, they’ll just cheer you on from the sidelines, like a tormented spectator at a cruel carnival.
And so, the long-standing skeptic, Dimon, doubled down on his distaste, lamenting that Bitcoin and its ilk are mostly used in “illegal activities,” which he insists justifies his disdain. It’s almost poetic—like a villain protesting his villainy, all while secretly watching the chaos unfold. 😏
He also dismisses blockchain’s grandeur, claiming “we spend too much on it,” and that it doesn’t matter as much as the hype suggests—yet JPMorgan continues building in the space as if constructing castles in the clouds, just in case the storm passes.
Meanwhile, their own blockchain platform, Kinexys, recently experimented with a transaction on the public Ondo Chain, marking a moment of irony as the mighty giant plays with ashes — tokenized U.S. Treasuries settling on the blockchain, a test that perhaps makes one wonder if they truly grasp the mess they’re dabbling in.
Oh, the tangled web of finance! And you thought the circus was only for clowns. 🎪🤡
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2025-05-19 21:19