Larry David DESTROYS Crypto FOMO Before FOMC Minutes—Bitcoin to the Moon or Bust?

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Okay, let’s set the scene here. Crypto volatility has taken a vacation (maybe it’s in Boca Raton, who knows) right as every wannabe-Wolf-of-Wall-Street glues themselves to the news about the upcoming US Federal Open Market Committee Minutes. You know, that thrilling bedtime reading about old guys whining over spreadsheets and whether interest rates should go up or down or sideways.

Meanwhile, Bitcoin (BTC) just keeps hanging around $108,000. Doesn’t go up, doesn’t go down—just sits there. Reminds me of my neighbor’s car that never moves but somehow always gets a parking ticket. Ethereum (ETH)? Same story above $2,500. Completely sideways. If boredom were a sport, ETH would win gold. The total crypto market cap is $3.32 trillion, and you’d think that kind of money would get you a little excitement. Nope. Nothing. Nada.💤

Now, according to Coinglass—which sounds like a company I’d use by accident when I actually wanted glassware—people yanked 1,400 BTC and 35,607 ETH out of exchanges. That’s over $240 million in crypto just—poof—gone from centralized exchanges. Oh, but don’t get too impressed; at the same time, exchanges magically found 236 million USDT and 14 million USDC parked on their doorstep. You know stablecoins: Like the crypto world’s equivalent of sitting in a lifeboat and hoping for rescue, except you paid extra for the seat. 🚣‍♂️

The “HODLers” (that’s crypto code for “people who refuse to admit they bought the top”) are all in for the long term now, and the stablecoin crowd is apparently gearing up to buy in, too. In layman’s terms: Everyone is optimistic, but nobody actually makes a move. They’re just waiting for someone—anyone!—to, I don’t know, do something interesting.

The “Shadow Fed Chair” and Rate Cut Soap Opera

Let me get this straight: six months have dragged by since the last time the Fed trimmed rates—from 4.75% to 4.50%. Is that a “cut” or just a paper cut? On December 18th, 2024, for everyone keeping score at home.

And who chimes in but Peter Schiff—this guy. He hates crypto, but somehow never misses a crypto headline. Guy’s more committed to not liking crypto than I am to avoiding brunch invitations. He’s dropping hints: maybe—just maybe—we get another rate cut by the end of the year. Sounds like a promise, but also sounds like my barber saying, “We’ll see about that bald spot.”

But wait, it gets weirder: Schiff says Trump might swoop in and swap out Fed Chair Jerome Powell with a “shadow Fed chair.” What does that even mean? Someone in disguise? Wearing sunglasses and a fake mustache? I’d pay good money to see that appointment ceremony. 🕵️‍♂️

The FOMC Minutes drop Wednesday, July 9, 18:00 UTC. Get your popcorn; last time they talked, Bitcoin dumped faster than people left my dinner party when I started talking about my plantar fasciitis. Maybe this time, we’ll get something different. Or—knowing crypto—maybe we just get another round of nothing. Stay tuned. Or don’t. It’ll probably be the same.

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2025-07-06 15:01