Metaplanet’s Wild Bitcoin Ride Leaves El Salvador in the Dust—You Won’t Believe the Numbers! 🤑

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In a misty dawn, as the crows of Tokyo cawed with characteristic insolence, Metaplanet, a firm Japanese in constitution but perhaps Dostoevskian in its restless yearning, once again cast its net into the swirling rivers of cryptocurrency. This time they wrestled from its depths $129 million worth of Bitcoin—let us pause, gentle reader, and recall that it was once a simple investment business, content to sip green tea and make cautious spreadsheets.

And yet, like Turgenev’s Bazarov upending the dusty halls of country estates, they now hold more Bitcoin than the entire nation of El Salvador. Yes, Simon Gerovich, the CEO, took to X (a social gathering place—or perhaps a digital salon for the terminally online) and, with the cheerfulness of a tax collector discovering surplus funds, declared: “Metaplanet now holds more Bitcoin than El Salvador. From humble beginnings to rivaling nation-states, we’re just getting started.” One can almost hear the balalaikas.

On the 12th day of May, when Tokyo’s cherry blossoms had long since given way to sprawling humidity, they announced: 1,241 more Bitcoins for the sum of 14.8 million yen per coin—approximately $101,843, or roughly the price of a decent poem in Moscow (adjusted for inflation, vodka, and existential dread).

At Bitcoin’s current mood swings—somewhere near $129 million—Metaplanet’s hoard now stands at 6,796 Bitcoins (valued at about $707 million). Their average purchase price is $91,000 per coin, a sum that would cause even the steeliest Russian landlord to choke on his kvass. Not bad for a company whose Bitcoin journey began only in April 2024, when most believed “blockchain” was a rare disease.

Meanwhile, over in El Salvador, the sixth-largest nation-state Bitcoin holder, officials glare wistfully at their 6,714 coins ($642 million). The National Bitcoin Office (where, presumably, clerks with excellent mustaches discuss block confirmations between sips of coffee) keeps careful count.

Just for contrast—and to amuse the idle reader—Metaplanet’s Bitcoin Yield sits at a jovial 38% this quarter. Last quarter’s yield? A riotous 95.6%. One imagines the shareholders fainting with genteel shock, fanned by interns as balance sheets somersault about the office.

Their taste for excess is almost literary: 5,555 BTC bought just on May 7th, four extravagant April acquisitions of 18,586 BTC, and an opulent half dozen buys in March totaling 18,925 BTC. Each purchase larger than the last—a true testament to the human weakness for collecting shiny things.

So it is that Metaplanet now presides as Asia’s grandest Bitcoin dragon—tenth largest throughout the globe, according to the mystics at BiTBO.

Saylor hints at another buy

Elsewhere in this drama, the enigmatic Michael Saylor, a man whose Twitter habits highlight a certain Dostoevskian penchant for suspense, quietly posted a screenshot of the “Saylor Tracker” on May 12. Accompanying his act was a sly “Connect the dots”—as if anyone grappling with a Monday morning would choose this puzzle over another cup of coffee.

Seasoned observers note that Saylor’s cryptic musings are typically followed by a grand Bitcoin purchase. The tracker, which surely induces vertigo in both admirers and rivals, records 555,450 BTC—an amount worth roughly $57.8 billion, or several small European countries.

Bitcoin, it seems, is less a currency than a Russian novel: meandering, complicated, and filled with people making questionable life choices. 🎩💸

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2025-05-12 08:31