Regal Nonsense: A Modern Tale of Pardons and Cryptic Alliances

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In a manner most extraordinary, His Excellency, the President of the United States, has deigned to defend his recent act of royal clemency bestowed upon the esteemed Changpeng “CZ” Zhao, a gentleman of the cryptocurrency realm. With a tone suggesting complete unfamiliarity, he claims, “I do not know who he is,” as if character and reputation are mere bureaucratic decorations.

During an interview with the venerable CBS News’ 60 Minutes-an affair more dramatic than any ball-His Excellency reiterated his ignorance of CZ, dismissing any notion that his pardon was motivated by politics, or, one might assume, by some hidden intrigue of high diplomatic consequence. “I heard,” he said solemnly, that CZ’s predicament was a “Biden witch hunt”-a phrase that nicely combines the specter of political mischief with the mystic arts of swampy Washington.

In the background, the shadows lengthen, for CZ, who once openly acknowledged aiding in money laundering schemes-an act not entirely befitting of a gentleman-has become a symbol of the tangled web linking Binance, cryptocurrency ambitions, and perhaps, the Trump family’s own ventures. Naturally, this causes eyebrows to rise, perhaps even some powdered wigs in the dusty corners of the nation’s capital.

“Pay-for-play” grill

When questioned about reports that Binance had facilitated a $2 billion purchase of a stablecoin linked to the Trump-endorsed World Liberty Financial-just moments before the pardon-His Excellency responded with a flourish of non-committal verbosity. “I know nothing about it because I am too busy doing the other,” he declared, as if attending to matters of national import and not, say, a secret society of cryptocurrency magnates plotting their next grand scheme.

Interrupting the flow of this political opera, Miss O’Donnell pressed, “But he got a pardon,” to which His Excellency replied with the precision of a well-turned phrase, “Norah, I can only tell you this-my sons are into it. And I’m glad they are, because it’s probably a great industry, crypto. A splendid industry, truly. They’re running a business; they’re not in government…but I’m proud of them. I’m focused on this.”

He referred also to CZ as a victim-poor CZ!-blaming his misfortune on a “weaponization” by a “corrupt government,” which, in the President’s view, is a bureaucratic conspiracy more sinister than any plot in a Gothic novel.

Finally, His Excellency asserted with a certain patriotic bravado that his singular concern is “to make crypto great for America,” a goal as ambitious as any ballad-especially as he declared that the industry has flourished, outpacing China, which is now venturing into this grand new enterprise with unabashed enthusiasm. “If you go after people,” he warns, “you will kill that industry,”-a sentiment that echoes through the corridors of power, with the subtlety of a four-in-hand carriage.

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2025-11-03 12:15