Trump Tariffs Tank Crypto: Dogecoin, XRP, and My Sanity

Ah, the cryptocurrency market. Where else can you watch your life savings evaporate faster than a puddle in the Sahara, all while a meme coin named after a Shiba Inu leads the charge? 🐕💸 This week, Dogecoin, Ether, and XRP decided to take a nosedive, dropping over 5% in early Asian trading hours. Meanwhile, Toncoin, the overachiever of the group, rose 5%. Because of course it did.

Over $12.2 billion worth of Bitcoin options are set to expire, which is roughly the amount of money I’ve spent on therapy trying to understand why I ever thought investing in crypto was a good idea. The market’s mood swings are now tied to the U.S. personal consumption expenditure (PCE) figures, because nothing says “stable investment” like waiting for a government report to tell you whether you’re rich or broke.

Gold, the OG safe haven, surged to new highs, because when the world is on fire, people still want shiny rocks. The MSCI World Index had its longest losing streak in a month, and Asian equities were poised for their biggest drop since February. Meanwhile, I’m over here wondering if I should just invest in canned beans and a bunker.

“Spot is trading sideways and OI continues to bleed lower,” said traders at QCP Capital, which is financial jargon for “we’re all screwed, but let’s pretend we know what’s happening.” With the PCE Index data due, any short-term upside is capped as markets wait for clarity from Trump’s next move in this escalating trade war. Because nothing says “economic stability” like a reality TV star turned president threatening tariffs on everyone.

The PCE index captures inflation across consumer expenses, which is a fancy way of saying it measures how much more expensive life is getting while your paycheck stays the same. High PCE readings could lead to rate hikes, which would make Bitcoin investors cry into their cold wallets. Low PCE data, on the other hand, might boost liquidity and support Bitcoin’s price, because apparently, the only thing more volatile than crypto is the Fed’s decision-making process.

Markets have been heavy since Thursday, when President Trump warned of deeper tariffs on Canada and the EU. In response, Canada’s Prime Minister Mark Carney said the U.S. was “no longer a reliable partner,” which is like your ex saying you’re bad at communication. Meanwhile, I’m just here wondering if I should start hoarding Monopoly money instead.

“The global market is highly sensitive to monetary policies set by major economies,” said Innokenty Isers, CEO of Paybis, which is like saying water is wet but with more jargon. He warned that capital allocation to Bitcoin as a hedge against economic instability might be reduced, which is financial speak for “you might want to rethink that Lamborghini purchase.”

So, there you have it. The crypto market is a rollercoaster, Trump is still tweeting, and I’m considering a career in basket weaving. 🧺✨

2025-03-28 10:32

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