Trump’s DOJ Gives Crypto Crime Free Pass, Because Who Needs Rules Anyway? 🤷‍♀️

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Oh darling, you won’t BELIEVE the latest tea from the US Department of Justice! 🫖 They’ve gone and done something absolutely bonkers – they’re disbanding their crypto crime unit. Because apparently catching criminals is *so* last season. *looks directly at camera* 👀

Get this: Todd Blanche (yes, that’s actually his name, sounds like a fancy sandwich) who’s Trump’s former lawyer and now Deputy Attorney General, basically said “Oopsie, we’ve been too mean to crypto!” I mean, heaven forbid we actually regulate something that could potentially destroy the entire financial system. How dare we! 🙄

*whispers to camera* You know what’s really funny? They’re shutting down NCET – which sounds like a dating app for nerds but is actually the National Cryptocurrency Enforcement Unit. It’s Trump’s way of saying “Let’s make crypto great again!” Because apparently, what this world needs is LESS oversight of digital money. Brilliant! 👏

*awkward pause* The unit was Biden’s baby, born in 2021, filled with all these clever people who actually knew what they were doing. Imagine that! 🤓

Remember Tornado Cash? Not a weather phenomenon, darling, but a crypto mixer that helped hide dirty money. NCET caught them! And then there was this absolute legend, Avraham Eisenberg, who casually nicked $100 million like he was picking up milk from the shop. They caught him too! But I guess we don’t do that anymore because… freedom? 💅

*breaks fourth wall* The new memo basically says “Only go after the really obvious bad guys, pretty please.” Because apparently, catching sophisticated criminals is just too much work. It’s like telling the police to only catch criminals who wear name tags saying “I’m doing a crime!” 🏴‍☠️

And just when you thought it couldn’t get more ridiculous, this is apparently part of Trump’s grand plan to make crypto regulation as effective as a chocolate teapot. Because who needs rules when you have chaos? 🎭

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2025-04-08 14:37