What Lisa Kudrow really thought about fame and success before Friends defined her

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It’s 1999, and Lisa Kudrow is becoming a household name thanks to her role as Phoebe on the popular TV show Friends, which is now in its fifth season. She’s starting to explore movie roles, but she’s determined not to let her Friends fame overshadow her other work or her personal life.

With disarming frankness, she opens up to TopMob about balancing fame with family life.

This interview was originally published in TopMob magazine in 1999.

She’s a 35-year-old actress known for playing Phoebe, the somewhat silly and off-key folk singer on a very popular TV show. But before becoming famous, she went to Vassar College and studied biology with the goal of finding a successful, wealthy husband.

“I was so focused on the surface level,” she admitted with a sigh. “I wanted to marry someone with good qualities, specifically so we could have healthy, well-suited children. I really believed I had everything planned – a husband who was smarter and more accomplished than me, which would allow me to focus on my own career. It’s a pattern a lot of women fall into.”

She explained with a playful smile, showcasing perfect teeth, that she decided to become an actress.

She didn’t initially intend to pursue this path. Her original plan was to become a doctor, like her father, Lee, who was a well-known expert in treating headaches.

The actors came across as foolish and inauthentic. I’d noticed they often talked about their personal struggles on TV. Everyone deals with problems, and life isn’t like those old, perfect sitcoms. But actors seem to dwell on their issues more publicly. I worried they weren’t very bright, and that becoming an actor might negatively impact my ability to be a good parent or partner.

Joining the Groundlings improv group in Los Angeles shifted her perspective. She began to see value in everything and started questioning her own assumptions, which helped her gain a new outlook on life. She realized, for example, why she felt her husband needed to be incredibly intelligent, and wondered if simply loving him was enough.

Actors seemed idiots and so phoney

That makes sense. So, what happened next? She said, ‘I married someone smarter than me, and somehow, everything I wanted just fell into place.’

I was so thrilled when Courteney and her husband welcomed their son, Julian, last May! They handled the news of her pregnancy on ‘Friends’ really cleverly – it was written that she was a surrogate for her brother and his wife. As far as I know, things are still wonderful for them – a true happy ending!

She’s breaking away from typical sitcom roles with her new film, The Opposite of Sex. In it, she plays Lucia, a woman struggling with her sexuality who becomes friends with and tries to help the wealthy boyfriend, Bill (Martin Donovan), of her deceased gay brother.

Lucia and Phoebe would likely clash – they’re very different people, and while that’s good for variety, it’s also risky. It’s hard to know if audiences will embrace you when you take on a completely new character. I’ve experienced this myself; when I see an actor in a different role, I find myself looking for traces of their previous character instead of focusing on their current performance. Still, I really enjoyed playing a tightly-wound character. It felt familiar – I used to be that way myself.

She grew up in Tarzana, a Los Angeles suburb known for producing young women – often stereotyped as superficial and focused on marriage and careers – who are quick to judge and ambitious. This stereotype is similar to the term ‘Essex girls’ in the UK.

People in my background tend to avoid using vowels when they talk, and they can be really critical and talk down to others – like saying things such as ‘Oh my God, that’s so stupid.’ I was raised around people who fit that stereotype. I enjoy having things done for me, like getting room service – it feels luxurious and fun!

Even though her mother worked as a travel agent and could get great prices on hotels, she didn’t travel much or have exciting adventures. She explains that she was simply a very proper person.

I was uptight and stand-offish. It was my way of trying to control life and my world

I was much more cautious than my parents, who always told me to relax and not worry so much. I couldn’t, though, because I was constantly afraid of making a mistake – any mistake, big or small.

Even when I was in high school, I got anxious around friends who were taking risks because I didn’t want to be responsible if something went wrong. I always tried to talk them out of it – questioning things like drinking and driving or smoking. It even bothered my dad, who would say I didn’t act like a normal teenager and was too critical of myself and others.

She assisted him with his research, but unlike some women, she never pretended to have a headache to avoid unwanted advances. She was simply too straightforward and honest, preferring to directly tell men, “I wasn’t interested in sleeping with you.”

Therapy helped her in her twenties – she realized that making mistakes wasn’t the end of the world. But it was surprisingly a change in hair color that truly sparked a moment of self-discovery. Over one summer, she slowly dyed her hair blonde.

That made a real difference. I noticed people reacted to me differently with blonde hair – it seemed to make me appear more lighthearted. I was often treated as if I were younger and received more attention, which I actually liked. I guess some people might have assumed I wasn’t very intelligent, and honestly, I used to think that about blondes too.

We need to challenge our biases and stop assuming people are wrong simply because they’re different from us.

She enjoyed her biology studies at Vassar College, located a short drive from New York City, but felt like an outsider amongst the wealthy, traditionally-raised eastern students. She recalls being so thrilled to be there that she constantly smiled, which led others to misjudge her.

She dedicated herself to her studies, spending eight hours a day on calculus, and also learned to approach things without bias. As she explained, the scientific process requires objectivity – you simply record your findings as they are, without labeling them as good or bad.

After graduating in 1985, she was inspired by seeing a childhood friend of her brother on Saturday Night Live and decided to pursue acting herself. While acting classes didn’t pan out, she found more success with The Groundlings improv group.

Honestly, watching everything unfold felt a bit like being in a cult, with the teacher acting like some all-knowing guru. And you know, acting can be so full of itself! It’s a really emotional field, not a logical one, which makes it tough to even talk about. You quickly learn you need to be incredibly resilient – rejection is constant, and if you take it to heart, it can completely stop you in your tracks. It’s all about building a strong mindset to cope with the realities of the business.

After facing some initial setbacks, the TV show Friends became a huge hit. Looking back, it’s not surprising to me. It felt like being on a roller coaster – you’re nervous and thrilled to see what happens next. Friends definitely had a cultural impact, influencing things like fashion, online communication, and how people connected with characters, but that intense focus has faded over time.

It’s purely for enjoyment. People enjoy having something to discuss with friends at work or school, but they don’t let shows like Friends take over their real-life relationships.

She initially wanted to play one of the other characters. She felt Rachel, who worries about appearances and enjoys nice things, would have been a more interesting role. While she doesn’t personally focus on possessions, she thought she could convincingly portray someone who does.

Courteney Cox, who’s really funny, was already cast as Monica. When I went to audition for Phoebe, my agent suggested I might be considered for Monica instead. But the producers chuckled and said no, explaining they’d already seen me play quirky, unconventional characters.

I really connect with Phoebe as a character – honestly, I see a lot of myself in her. She’s someone who gets frustrated easily, but always seems to be trying to stay positive, which is something I really admire and strive for in my own life. I definitely have my moments of insecurity and worry, but as you get older, you start to realize what truly matters and let go of the little things that used to bother you so much. It’s about learning not to sweat the small stuff, you know?

When I’m really immersed in playing Phoebe, I sometimes actually feel what she’s feeling. But as soon as filming stops, I’m back to being myself.

The popular TV show Friends is currently in its fifth season and has been renewed for a sixth, but this depends on whether the six main cast members can agree to a salary increase. They are reportedly requesting double their current pay of $100,000 per episode, and they all want to be paid equally.

Yes, it’s a huge sum of money, but I keep telling myself the studios are wealthy enough to easily cover it.

She says the cast members are genuinely close friends. It’s common for colleagues who work together for years to eventually fall out – competition and diverging career paths often lead to resentment. But that hasn’t happened with this group. They function as a true team, and everyone is considered equal – no one is allowed to think they’re better than anyone else.

Sometimes when I’m playing Phoebe I do become her

It’s hard to say how much longer I’ll be involved – it really depends on the quality of the script. Sometimes the writing starts rough and improves, which is stressful because you worry if it will come together. You constantly ask yourself how you can help without making things worse. It’s going to be strange when it’s over, and I’m not sure what to anticipate, but this experience will always be a part of who I am, in both good ways and bad. It’s definitely changed my life, but not drastically – I’m still with the same partner.

She first met her husband, Michel Stem, who works in advertising, in 1987. He was dating her roommate at the time, and she initially dismissed him as off-limits. They didn’t really interact, and he just thought she was a bit strange. Then, five years ago, they ran into each other again at a picnic. Interestingly, Michel doesn’t actually like Paris, which she finds disappointing, as she’d love to spend more time there with him. Usually, when they visit, they just fly in for dinner and a quick overnight stay before moving on.

She was concerned about continuing her career after having her son, Julian. She’d seen friends quit after becoming mothers, but she realized they simply hadn’t been truly passionate about their work. She still loved what she did, and just three weeks after Julian’s birth, she filmed a small role in ‘Analyse This’ with Robert De Niro and Billy Crystal – an opportunity she couldn’t pass up.

I initially felt bad about flying with my three-week-old baby so I could work on a film in New York, but I quickly realized it wasn’t a problem. He seems happy as long as I’m not feeling guilty – he really picks up on my emotions! I want to have more children, and I know that means making sacrifices. I’ll likely need to work in Los Angeles, as I can’t imagine filming somewhere like Bulgaria, especially when the kids are in school.

She’s managed to avoid many of the downsides of being famous, and deals with people staring by simply ignoring them. She says she pretends it isn’t happening. “I just act like I don’t notice,” she explains. “I avoid eye contact, so I don’t see the stares. People actually have to physically get my attention to let me know they’re looking.”

People often pay more attention to me when I’m with security. Being famous comes with perks, but some actors take advantage of them and become demanding and arrogant. While it’s normal to be catered to on set – everyone focuses on keeping you satisfied – that kind of treatment shouldn’t extend to your personal life. It’s important to keep work and home separate.

My husband doesn’t mind that I earn more than he does – he’s very supportive. It’s easy to remember that actors can be quite well-paid! Sometimes I feel bad about having more than we need. We only need one car, and it’s a good one, though I prefer not to say what kind it is. Financial stability is really important to me – I know money problems can ruin a marriage – so I’m thankful we’re comfortable right now. I say ‘right now’ because you never know what the future holds. The best thing about having money is being able to help the people I care about, and that brings me real joy, not discomfort.

My husband isn’t bothered he earns less than me

The movie The Opposite of Sex centers around a runaway teenage girl [Christina Ricci] who disrupts the life of a man [Bill] by moving in with him and then attracting his new boyfriend. It’s a quintessential film of the 1990s.

It’s hard to say if people are genuinely confused about their sexuality. Young adults often explore different things, and around the late 1980s, it became more accepted to question your sexual orientation. At Vassar, I noticed many women who identified as lesbian would later start dating men and get married. It seemed like being a lesbian was a trend or something people did to appear modern, especially in a city environment. I figured it was just a phase for some.

I never behaved inappropriately. I was raised with a very traditional view of relationships, like something out of an old movie. And now, we’re moving past outdated ideas about sexuality. Thankfully, I mostly meet men who are perfectly fine with women being leaders.

The dynamic between men and women will always follow similar patterns. Men tend to avoid commitment, which is unfortunate, because fully investing in a relationship often leads to its quicker end. It feels unpleasant, like dealing with a toothache.

It’s definitely true that committing to something allows you to quickly see if it’s actually working – it’s just a logical approach. The real shift is that women are now generally listened to with the same respect as men. Their opinions are taken seriously, regardless of their appearance or profession – even if they happen to be a blonde actress. And that’s a good thing.

Authors

Andrew Duncan

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2026-01-09 10:46