When Russia Decides to Play Stablecoin, Brace for the Cosmic Coincidence

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In a move that no one saw coming except perhaps your local conspiracy theorist with a tin foil hat, a Russian finance ministry official suggested the country should birth its very own stablecoin. This epiphany came after the US, in a delightful twist of international digital soap opera, froze wallets tied to the rather scandalous Russian exchange Garantex—because apparently, playing with sanctioned crypto is frowned upon.

Osman Kabaloev, who holds a title so long it requires a second cup of coffee to say, proposed that the Kremlin dive into the brave new world of stablecoins—something akin to Tether’s USDT—to dodge future “oops we froze your funds” moments, according to the august scribes at Reuters and TASS, who reported on April 16.

“We don’t exactly slap restrictions on stablecoins during our fun little experiments with law,” Kabaloev confided to TASS, “but hey, recent antics suggest these shiny digital tokens aren’t just harmless pixels.”

“So, maybe it’s time to hatch our own critters, possibly pegged to mysterious other currencies that nobody quite understands yet.”

Flashback to March 6: the US Department of Justice teamed up with Germany and Finland, in what might be the first truly international game of digital whack-a-mole, freezing Garantex domains. Authorities accused Garantex of mind-boggling criminal transactions exceeding $96 billion since 2019—which makes your average petty thief look positively cautious.

On the very same day, Tether, the stablecoin equivalent of a vigilant hall monitor, froze $27 million worth of its digital tokens on Garantex’s accounts, which promptly caused the exchange to throw in the towel on all operations, withdrawals included.

The US Treasury’s Office of Foreign Assets Control had already decked Garantex with sanctions since April 2022, charging it with money laundering shenanigans fit for a spy novel.

Garantex logo—now freezing in time

Not ones to be deterred by pesky things like sanctions, Garantex reportedly morphed into a new digital chameleon after laundering a mysterious fortune in ruble-backed stablecoins, according to a Swiss blockchain Sherlock Holmes.

Russia Already Playing Crypto Chess While the Rest Just Watch

Meanwhile, Evgeny Masharov from the Russian Civic Chamber threw his hat into the crypto frenzy on March 20, proposing a government crypto fund stuffed with assets confiscated from the less-than-savory. Because if you can’t beat the crypto chaos, at least steal its loot, right?

Simultaneously, other bureaucrats were feverishly scribbling on new laws to give crypto a cozy spot in the criminal procedure handbook—because nothing says “future-proofing” like legally acknowledging what’s already happening in the digital underworld.

Meanwhile in the stablecoin universe, the market cap has happily ballooned past $200 billion since mid-2023, as if digital money had suddenly gotten a tapeworm that just won’t go away. According to a joint revelation from Artemis and Dune, the number of active stablecoin wallets went up by a scandalous 50% in one year, probably thanks to bots working harder than a caffeinated hamster on a wheel.

Stablecoins had their big year in 2024, with total volumes smashing a staggering $27.6 trillion—7.7% more than the combined Visa and Mastercard transactions. Apparently, if you want your money to move fast nowadays, you better be ready for bots, billion-dollar laundering rings, and a crypto fund named something Orwellian.

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2025-04-17 09:34