XRP Miracle? Madman’s Gambit Shocks SEC!

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Ah, Ripple, Ripple! That eternal ballet of coin and consequence! Brad Garlinghouse, bless his cunning heart, has released a most triumphant video, practically orgasmic with victory over the wretched SEC. A victory declared, mind you, not by the dour bureaucrats themselves, but by the beaming Mr. Garlinghouse! The XRP faithful, naturally, are in a frenzy of speculation. What devilry is afoot? 🤔

Then, as if summoned by Mephistopheles himself, a most curious apparition materializes in the court filings! A certain Justin W. Keener, no doubt a fellow with eyes that gleam with revolutionary fervor (or perhaps something less savory), has submitted an “emergency request.” He claims to possess “decisive evidence” – evidence, mind you, that will not only exonerate Ripple but also… gasp… liberate the American people! One shudders to imagine the nature of such potent knowledge. He mumbles something about investment contracts. Is it madness? Is it genius? Or is it simply… Tuesday? 🤷

NEW: An odd filing just now in the @SECGov vs. @Ripple docket — an emergency request to “present decisive evidence in favor of the defendants and in favor of liberty for the American people.”

The letter, from a man named Justin W. Keener, doesn’t make clear what the so-called…

— Eleanor Terrett (@EleanorTerrett) April 3, 2025

Our intrepid investigator, Eleanor Terrett of Fox Business, has unearthed a rather… piquant detail about our Mr. Keener. It seems the SEC, those paragons of virtue, have recently slapped him with a lawsuit for being an unregistered penny stock dealer. And not just any lawsuit, mind you! A lawsuit resulting in a fine exceeding ten million! One begins to suspect Mr. Keener’s motives might be slightly less… altruistic than he proclaims. 😈

Legal eagles, those cynical creatures, are predictably unimpressed. Marc Fagel, a former SEC lawyer (once a bureaucrat, always a bureaucrat!), dismisses the filing as mere “spam.” Spam, I tell you! Apparently, the hallowed halls of justice are not immune to the digital detritus of the modern age. He sneers that Mr. Keener has no standing, no right to meddle in this grand legal drama. 🙄

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And what of Judge Analisa Torres, the arbiter of Ripple’s fate? Will she, in a moment of profound enlightenment, reverse her prior rulings? Fagel scoffs. Impossible! The judge, it seems, is not so easily swayed by the ramblings of a self-proclaimed liberator with a ten-million-dollar debt. The parties, he intones, will merely haggle over remedies, not the fundamental guilt or innocence. Alas, the wheels of justice grind slowly, and often without a hint of the miraculous. 😔

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2025-04-05 07:37