You Won’t Believe These Three Altcoins Dostoevsky Would Have HODLed

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Once again, dear reader, an irresistible mania sweeps through society. It is called the crypto bull market: a phenomenon simultaneously electrifying and entirely irrational, like the morbid fever that gripped Raskolnikov before he bought his first NFT. Bitcoin, that gilded idol, staggers upward above $104,000 — numbers so large they would cause even Ivan Karamazov to reconsider his atheism. The experts, those Cassandras in neckties, now mutter predictions of $700,000 (as per BlackRock) or—should you wish for even greater absurdity—$2.4 million (Ark Invest, purveyor of wild fancies and sleepless convulsions).

Somewhere, in a drafty St. Petersburg garret, a mathematician is sketching a cup-and-handle pattern on the wall, whispering to himself about “horizontal resistance” and “rounded bottoms.” If the cup’s depth is 32%, the breakout target is $142,000. “Why not $1 million?” you ask. “Why not eternal happiness?” Ah, but crypto, like Dostoevskian redemption, is forever just out of reach! 😉

As is the universal law, when Bitcoin leaps, the motley-of-altcoins follows, nipping at its heels like Marmeladov’s creditors. It is whispered in dimly lit Telegram chats, “Invest in Sui, Polkadot, and Ripple!” Each hopes to transcend its humble origins, though some are bound for Siberia (the bin), others deliverance (moon).

Sui

Sui has ascended with a swiftness that could shame even the most ambitious Dostoevsky character. The total value locked swelled 67% in 30 days — a statistic as reliable as a drunk’s last promise — reaching $2.9 billion. The 24-hour DEX volume cracks $689 million, thanks in no small part to the proliferation of meme coins; for it is always memes at the root of man’s suffering. The charts claim Sui is entering the fifth Elliott Wave, which, according to market scripture, means further ascent.

Elliott Waves, ironically enough, follow a five-act tragedy: the bullish first, third, and fifth waves, and the melancholy pullbacks of the second and fourth. Our analysts, haunted like so many Rodions, foresee Sui reaching its all-time high, $5.2382—a mere 30% above now—and perhaps, in their fevered dreams, $10, which would bring even more existential dread for latecomers.

Polkadot

Now, Polkadot. A coin as steadfast—or perhaps as stubborn—as Alyosha’s faith. The charts show a quadruple bottom, refusing to fall below $3.50 thrice since 2023. Resistance, by all accounts, sits at $11.5, while DOT has bravely vaulted the psychological barrier of $5 (with much trembling and gnashing of teeth). Is a 120% rally likely? No more or less probable than finding virtue in Katerina Ivanovna’s dinner parties.

Polkadot’s architects tinker with Polkadot 2.0, their ambition as grand (and possibly as doomed) as the Brotherhood in “Demons.” Agile coretime! Asynchronous backing! Elastic scaling! All in pursuit of a decentralized utopia. If, in an improbable twist, the SEC blesses us with a DOT ETF, prepare for all reason to be cast aside like so many rubles at a gambling table.

XRP

XRP, the long-suffering anti-hero, doggedly pursues its redemption arc. Technical prophets see a fifth Elliott Wave amidst a field of triangles and pennants (every chart in crypto is just abstract art, some say). The pennant has broken — whether by the hand of fate or divine intervention — indicating $3.40, perhaps $5, beckons. The suspense could give even the Grand Inquisitor a headache.

The XRP tale, fundamentally, remains as ambiguous as any confession in a smoky Petersburg tavern. Whispers of a spot ETF, a meme coin renaissance, and the constant fiddling with the XRP Ledger swirl about. Most bullish, perhaps, is the unshakable conviction among holders that, this time, it’s different. Or at least—so they must believe, else what meaning is left in the void? 🧐

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2025-05-12 18:35