Late one windswept evening at the Kraken boardroom, windows rattling and the aroma of stale coffee thick in the air, a telegram arrived: “NinjaTrader acquired. Stop. Revenue up. Spirits tepid. Stop.” Someone raised a glass out of habit.
The latest quarterly report—a document more intimidating than a Dostoevsky novel—whispered that Kraken’s purchase of NinjaTrader was, in fact, the most grandiose fusion yet between buttoned-up finance and the cowboy-boot-wearing world of crypto. The amount spent on this tryst? $1.5 billion, apparently, give or take, but officially undisclosed, possibly lost behind a sheet of frosted glass or in the CEO’s cigar box.
NinjaTrader, meanwhile, remains charmingly aloof, continuing as an “independent entity,” which, in financial argot, translates roughly to: “You do you, but don’t touch the thermostat.” Traders on both sides are promised soon a smorgasbord of wild new options—traditional derivatives for old-school types and all-you-can-eat crypto for the rest. Cross-pollination, or just market chaos with style?
“Kraken,” said the firm, likely while adjusting its monocle, “will serve up stocks, prediction markets, and options, possibly when the stars align and we finish updating our software.”
The numbers, inspected with the clinical detachment of a nineteenth-century Russian doctor, say this: $472 million in Q1 2025, a plucky 19% leap from last year, although, like the tragic antiheroes of Chekhov’s stories, it’s still a bit less than the prior quarter—down 7%. There was quiet applause in the break room; someone spilled a seltzer.
Adjusted EBITDA now sits at $187 million, which is up modestly compared to Q1 2024 and up 17% over last year. Slow growth, like a birch tree in the icy steppes—but at least it grows. 🌱
Trading volume hit $208.7 billion—up 29% year-over-year. Yet, as in all Russian tales, joy is fleeting: Q1 2024 was somehow even more splendid at $230.9 billion. Perhaps, like happiness, trading volume is always just out of reach.
There’s also talk of funded accounts swelling by 26% year-on-year—400,000 new souls now marooned on the exchange, hoping for fortune, or at least a thrilling chart pattern. The total swelled from 3.5 million to 3.9 million, possibly all hoping to be the Muscovite who bought Bitcoin at the right time. 💸
And, in a flourish worthy of a farce, Kraken has struck a deal with Bunq, Europe’s second-largest neobank. The concocted plan: Bunqians in six nations can now trade over 300 types of crypto, each asset as mysterious and unpredictable as a Russian winter. For now, only the Dutch, French, Spanish, Irish, Italians, and Belgians are invited to this grand ballet of digital assets. The rest must wait, staring wistfully at the horizon (or their phone screens).
Such is progress: part acquisition, part hopeful spreadsheet, part existential comedy. Raise a glass, if only to keep warm.
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2025-05-02 11:46