You’ll Never Guess What the Feds Want by June 5: Are You an AML Bitcoin Victim? 😱

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One cannot but marvel at the zeal of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, which, rather like a vigilant aunt at a country dance, is busily seeking out individuals led astray by a most dubious fellow’s invention, styled “AML Bitcoin”—a coin as fictitious as Lady Catherine’s modesty. Pray, victims must make themselves known before the fifth of June, or their hopes of reparation might evaporate faster than Miss Lydia Bennet’s scruples. 💃

FBI Issues Formal Proclamation: Scoundrels with “AML Bitcoin” Exposed, Deadline Imminent

With all the dignity befitting a gathering at Netherfield, the United States Department of Justice and the ever-vigilant Federal Bureau of Investigation do once more entreat any gentlepersons ensnared by Mr. Rowland Marcus Andrade’s caddish cryptocurrency caper to present themselves without delay—by June the fifth, or not at all. Last week, from the bustling metropolis of San Francisco came fresh urgency: any soul bamboozled into parting with guineas for the likes of AML Bitcoin, AML Bitcoin token, Black Gold Coin, Aten Coin, or ABTC should be heard from post-haste (one suspects Lady Lucas herself was almost tempted).

To facilitate matters—and, no doubt, avoid an unseemly queue at Pemberley—the Bureau implores affected parties to complete a modest form, declaring, with a degree of seriousness even Mr. Darcy might envy:

If you were hoodwinked by Mr. Andrade, his merry band of miscreants, or products bearing more initials than the Bennet family, deign to complete this form. The due date is June 5, 2025—late submissions will be treated with the same regard as Mr. Collins’ poetry: entirely ignored.

The Bureau further opines—rather more candidly than is customary in polite society—that it is obliged by law to identify those wronged by federal crimes. Such unfortunate souls, while not assured a husband after a single dance, may be eligible for benefits, restitution, and the balm of federal and state sympathies. Those obliging the FBI’s inquiries may be subject to further questions, though confidentially, of course (gossip is strictly discouraged, unless sanctioned by the agency itself). 🤐

As for Mr. Andrade and his so-called National Aten Coin Foundation (also trading as NAC Foundation LLC—a name longer than many a season in Bath), he has now been convicted of wire fraud and money laundering, having misrepresented both the pedigree and virtue of his cherished digital baubles. From 2014 to 2019, he relieved the credulous of their fortunes, touting “proprietary technology” and “anti-money laundering safeguards” no more effective than Mrs. Bennet at keeping secrets. This clarion call from federal authorities is but the latest in a series, all aimed at gathering wounded pride and empty pockets—those eligible for relief and legal companionship are urged to step forward.

Finally, the esteemed authorities request that this information be shared with any other possible victims—your friends, your relations, and anyone else who fancies themselves the next Mr. Bingley of crypto—lest further hearts be dashed upon the rocks of the NAC Foundation’s impudence. 📣

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2025-05-12 07:01