😱 Tariff Tornado: Markets Tumble as Trump Twists Trade Ties! 🌬️

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Well, folks, the good ol’ United States has gone and done it again—slapped tariffs on the world like it’s a pesky fly at a picnic. And the folks over at Nansen? They’re tellin’ us to hold our horses and not go pokin’ the bear. 🐻

Seems their advice is to not tangle with the market’s version of a wild bronco. Best to sit tight, they say, and wait for some sense to settle in trade talks, job stats, and what the Federal Reserve’s cookin’ up next.

This here note, passed around like a hot potato at a church social, cropped up after President Trump decided to shake things up with some dandy new tariffs—startin’ at a measly 10% and jumpin’ like a frog on a griddle for places like China, Japan, and Vietnam.

And once you factor in the exceptions, you might be lookin’ at rates that’d make a pickpocket blush—up to 50%! And it all kicks off as early as April 5th, so mark your calendars, folks!

Stocks Take a Dive

The market’s reaction was quicker than a cat on a hot tin roof. U.S. small caps led the charge in a sell-off that’d make a gold rush look like a Sunday stroll. Crypto’s feelin’ queasy, the dollar’s droopin’ like a wilted flower, and the yield curve’s flattenin’ out like a pancake—signaling that a recession might be a’knockin’ at the door. Nansen’s thinkin’ we’re in for a spell of stagflation—growth as lively as a dead horse with prices jumpin’ like a kangaroo on a pogo stick.

“These are dicey times, what with the tariff uncertainty makin’ more ripples than a stone in a pond,” says Nansen’s top-notch analyst, Aurelie Barthere. “We’re talkin’ about a heap of countries with economies more tangled than a plate of spaghetti.”

Now, Canada and Mexico seem to have dodged the bullet, thanks to the USMCA—like bein’ the last one picked for a game of dodgeball. But the big Asian exporters and parts of the Eurozone? They’re facin’ trade barriers taller than the Eiffel Tower. Most governments ain’t hollerin’ for a fight, though. Japan’s optin’ for talkin’ it out, and the Eurozone’s chewin’ the fat over everything from digital taxes to LNG imports.

Back home, the economic data’s as clear as mud. Manufacturing and services are teeter-totterin’ on the edge of growth, while the price index is shootin’ up like a rocket—raisin’ eyebrows and inflation fears. The job numbers are holdin’ up, but layoffs in auto, retail, and tech are like a skunk at a garden party.

Crypto’s Rough Ride

Crypto’s not sittin’ pretty neither. Bitcoin and Ethereum are lookin’ weaker than a kitten in a room full of rocking chairs, with “death crosses” lurkin’ in the shadows. Solana’s already tumbled like a house of cards. “Now ain’t the time to try and catch a falling anvil,” Nansen warns.

In their humble opinion, it’s time to sit on the bleachers and wait for a better day to step into the ring.

“Don’t go pickin’ a fight with the market,” they holler. “Patience is a virtue, and it’s cheaper than a psychiatrist!”

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2025-04-04 17:07