You Won’t Believe How the White House Is Meddling with Banks (Crypto and Drama Inside)

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In the splendidly draughty halls of the White House, where the tea is cold and the ambition warm, rumor has it-one cannot walk past the flowerbeds these days without stepping on a rumor-that the administration, under the distinguished coiffure of Mr. Trump, has made a hobby of poking at banks with a stick. 🏦

The esteemed Wall Street Journal, of whose columns even my Aunt Varvara has grown suspicious, whispers of some executive order draft-a draft so secret, apparently, that even the wind dared not carry it. The order, in essence, would send regulators careening through corridors of financial houses, peering under every ledger and inquiring with the delicacy of an elephant as to whether Equal Credit Opportunity has been tossed aside, perhaps to make room for dusty portraits of old directors.

If that weren’t enough excitement for the somber souls in pinstripe suits, these regulators will also, much like my Uncle Fyodor’s second wife, root through cupboards suspiciously for evidence of antitrust and consumer financial protection malfeasance. And all this, according to persons as anonymous as a shadow in an overcast Moscow evening, could be decreed by President Trump as soon as one can say “investigation.”

The draft order, that elusive holy grail of paperwork, promises fines for those found to be tripping over the law. It is never so direct as to name banks-for where would be the fun in that?-but apparently winks in the general direction of Bank of America, accused of unceremoniously booting a Christian organization for, well, being too Christian. BofA’s storytellers, however, claim with straight faces that it was all just a matter of not liking their “abroad” business, as if the accounts tried to escape overseas for warmer climes. ✈️

The much-beleaguered CEO Brian Moynihan, invited onto the grand stage of “Face the Nation,” shrugged elegantly and insisted the real villain is the regulator-a distinct silhouette, always hiding behind a curtain.


“We have 70 million consumers and are one of the largest small business lenders,” Moynihan sighed, possibly warming his hands by the heat of his own rhetoric. “So that’s not it. It’s the regulators’ peculiar influence-a bit like being blamed for rain because you built the roof.” He might as well have added, “and next week: cats accused of not barking.”

Thus, life trudges on! Outrage, legislation, and the ever-present aroma of financial intrigue waft through the White House like cabbage soup in a Russian boarding house-inescapable, slightly sour, and entirely expected. 🥄

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2025-08-06 20:03