🐂 Bullish IPO at $37? Grab the Smelling Salts, Comrade!

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The twilight of 2024 lingers like cigar smoke over a Moscow garden, and the bull market-ah, that restless beast-snorts and stamps across the steppes of finance. It will be remembered, certainly: for ETF miracles, for suits clutching satchels of Bitcoin, and for a parade of IPOs so cheerful one might think the Decembrists had returned with term sheets.

Enter Bullish, the exchange that, having devoured CoinDesk for an appetizer, now marches toward the public altar. Its price rose thrice-no, four times-like a blushing bride whose dowry keeps doubling. BlackRock’s nieces and ARK’s nephews have already sent betrothal gifts, and somewhere a balalaika plays in 7/8 time.

This week’s letter from the front: we eavesdrop on Bullish’s nuptials, spy Pantera hoarding treasury tokens the way old counts stash dried mushrooms, watch BitMine haul a wagonload of freshly-mined ether, and witness American bankers clutch their pearls at the very idea that stablecoins might pay interest-heavens! 😱

Bullish goes public-takes a bow, drops a curtsey

They whispered $32, then $33, then shrugged and landed at $37, as if haggling over smoked sturgeon at the Gostiny Dvor. Thirty million shares fluttered away like autumn leaves, bestowing upon the groom a market cap of $5.4 billion. The ticker-BLSH-flashes crimson and emerald on the New York bourse, and somewhere a bear retires to a dacha in shame.

Pantera’s mushroom basket of treasury tokens

Pantera Capital-who once prophesied Bitcoin’s 2025 price while the rest of us were still misplacing our spectacles-now stuffs its knapsack with crypto treasury companies. Over $300 million has vanished into DATs (Digital Asset Treasuries), those quiet barns where yield grows fatter than a kulak’s goose. “More tokens per share,” they sing, “than simply clutching cold spot.” One almost expects the balalaika again.

BitMine’s wheelbarrow of ether-$24.5 billion strong

BitMine, already the Jabba the Hutt of Ethereum holders at 1.2 million ETH, now plans to raise $24.5 billion-a figure so comically large that Gogol himself would dismiss it as unrealistic. The coins are to be purchased before Ether vaults to fresh highs, urged on by newly appointed chairman Tom Lee, who presumably arrives each morning astride a white charger shouting “HODL!” to the miners.

Bankers, stablecoins, and the fainting couch

The American banking lobby-those fine fellows who once paid you 0.01 % and called it generosity-now rails against the GENIUS Act. Their lament: stablecoin yields might steal deposits, the way a sly cad steals kisses at a country ball. “Close the loophole!” they cry, dabbing brows with monogrammed handkerchiefs. Meanwhile, the stablecoins merely tip their hats and continue compounding, like insolent students who have read the syllabus more carefully than the professor.

Crypto Biz arrives each Thursday, smelling faintly of gunpowder and birch smoke, to recount the latest misadventures of capital and code. Until then, dear reader, guard your private keys as you would your heart in a provincial ballroom.

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2025-08-15 23:11