In the grand theater of human folly, where greed and deceit dance hand in hand, a tale unfolds that would amuse even the most jaded observer. A man, convicted of identity theft-a crime as petty as it is pervasive-now stands before the courts, not as a thief of identities, but as a self-proclaimed titan of Bitcoin. Ah, Bitcoin! That elusive digital gold, which has driven many to madness and a few to fortune. Michael Prime, for so he is called, claims that his hard drive, once brimming with 3,443 Bitcoin (now a staggering $345 million), was seized and wiped by the FBI. A tragedy, one might think, but the judges, wise in the ways of men and their lies, have spoken: he shall not prevail.
A three-judge panel at the Eleventh Circuit Court of Appeals, with the gravity of philosophers and the wit of satirists, declared on Tuesday that Prime’s lawsuit against the government is as futile as a sparrow’s attempt to move a mountain. For years, they noted, Prime denied his wealth, claiming but a pittance in Bitcoin. Only later, when the winds of fortune shifted, did he proclaim himself a tycoon. “A delay most unreasonable,” the judges intoned, “and thus his suit is barred.” Even if the Bitcoin existed-a matter they leave to the realm of speculation-to grant him relief would be inequitable. Justice, it seems, has a sense of humor.
Prime, upon his release from prison in July 2022, sought the return of his hard drive, only to learn it had been wiped as part of the FBI’s standard procedures. “Illegal!” he cried, but the judges, unmoved, replied, “You denied your wealth, and now you weep for its loss?” They quoted him: “Approximately 3,500 Bitcoin,” he once claimed, before his plea deal in 2019. But after, his tune changed. In February 2020, he reported owning but $200 to $1,500 in Bitcoin, a sum so modest it would scarcely buy a decent meal in Moscow. “Preposterous,” the judges declared, for Bitcoin then traded at over $10,000. A lie, perhaps, or a man’s desperate attempt to cling to what little he had?
After two years in prison and a stint in a halfway house, Prime sued for the return of his hard drives, only to learn they had been destroyed. The appeals court, with a touch of sarcasm, noted his attempt to “explain away” his earlier claims. “We don’t buy it,” they wrote, their skepticism as sharp as a winter’s frost. And so, the tale ends as it began: a man’s greed undone by his own words, his Bitcoin lost to the void, and the judges, ever wise, reminding us that truth, like Bitcoin, is a precious and rare commodity.
In the world of cryptography, a lost key is a lost fortune. Glassnode tells us that 1.46 million BTC, nearly 7% of its total supply, is likely gone forever. Chainalysis, ever the pessimist, suggests the figure could be as high as 3.7 million BTC, over 17.5% of the total. But such numbers pale in comparison to the drama of Prime’s tale, a story that would make even War and Peace seem brief. 🌍💸
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2025-11-06 09:07