Behold a press release, slick as a serpent, whispering that some faceless, institutional grandee has agreed, via a “convertible note facility” (doesn’t that just tingle the spine?), to inject $20 million into the adventures of Freight, Inc. The first million—a sacrificial lamb, if you will—has already sauntered off, leaving the rest to preen in numbered accounts. Take heed: Freight’s treasure isn’t to be squandered on yachts, yachts again, or even a regrettable golden toilet. No, these funds are earmarked exclusively for the glorious acquisition of TRUMP tokens—imagine, if you dare, a corporation pledging fealty at the altar of crypto’s Don Quixote.
Javier Selgas, undoubtedly adjusting his cufflinks for maximum theatrical effect, pronounced, “The addition of Official Trump tokens is an excellent way to diversify our crypto treasury”—as if crypto, like a fine wine, benefits from a few orange notes. He extolled virtues of ‘fair, balanced, and free trade’ between Mexico and the U.S., thus delivering a diplomatic pirouette in the press. The rabble responded with Pavlovian enthusiasm: shares soared 111% before collapsing—inevitably, inexorably—down 21.6% after-hours. A classic Wall Street soufflé: up, deflated, and ultimately edible only by those with strong stomachs.
Let us not accuse Freight of monomania. In a past episode (all washed in the sepia of nostalgia), the company splashed $8 million on FET—a token entangled in the digital tentacles of artificial intelligence. The scent is familiar; MicroStrategy, Semler Scientific, and Japan’s Metaplanet (5,000 BTC and counting, a hoarder’s delight!) have all been spotted lurking at the same buffet.
As we write, TRUMP tokens (the very essence of speculative bravado) hover at $11.53, sighing contentedly after a 10% swoon in the past 24 hours. One wonders if the tokens, like so many failed campaign promises, recall days when their worth was less… volatile.
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2025-05-03 21:57