Bitcoin Shoots for Saturn, Dow Jones Shrugs, Trump Waves Tariffs Like a Magic Wand

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Picture, if you will, a universe where digital money worth more than several reasonably sized planets decides it’s simply not expensive enough. Bitcoin, known for its love affair with gravity-defying stunts and alarming existential brunches with economists, has smashed a new all-time high for the second day running. This dramatic leap left only marginally fewer people clutching their foreheads and hunting for calculators than usual.

On a Thursday best described as “mildly bewildering,” Bitcoin soared to $113,358.50. That’s up 3.65% from yesterday, unless you were asleep, in which case it’s up 96.2% from your last nap, and possibly much, much more from the last time anyone took Bitcoin seriously at Thanksgiving dinner. Apparently, institutional investors—those mythical creatures fond of expensive coffee and even more expensive spreadsheets—are now stampeding into Bitcoin like pensioners on Black Friday.

Why the surge? Simple. Everyone wants their own slice of the Bitcoin ETF pie (which, unlike normal pie, is neither edible nor remotely filling). Throw in a sprinkle of macroeconomic sunshine and some companies casually hoarding BTC for their rainy days, and the result is a bullish stampede that even the most seasoned retail investors cannot resist. Meanwhile, the US dollar has developed an acute case of vertigo, leading hungry institutional scavengers to sniff out “safe-haven” assets. (Spoiler: safety remains unconfirmed, but the haven is lovely this time of year.)

Not to be outdone, the rest of the crypto market performed a celebratory conga line. The entire crypto circus ballooned to a jaw-dropping $3.52 trillion, going up by 3.64% in the time it takes the average millennial to check their phone 17 times. Ethereum, a cryptocurrency that aspires to become a global economic backbone or, failing that, a decent trivia answer, bounded upward by 5.54%, out-somersaulting even Bitcoin itself.

If crypto is the wild west, the stock market is the slightly jittery saloon owner. The Dow Jones, unflappable as ever, grunted its approval and gained 270 points (about 0.61%), pausing only to pour itself a celebratory bourbon. Meanwhile, the S&P 500 shuffled up by 0.28%, and the Nasdaq, overwhelmed by too many AI-generated cat pictures, did what any sensible index would do: it sat down and refused to budge (down 0.01%).

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2025-07-10 20:50