Cryptonews

Three and a half months later-barely enough time for one of Dostoyevsky’s characters to finish confessing-the sum has swollen to nearly four million. Yes, 1,300-fold! A number so absurd that even the Underground Man would crawl out from under his floorboards just to spit at it. The blockchain, that merciless eye of Sauron known as Lookonchain, records that Brother Frost-having already sold a mere 2.55 million TROLL worth fifty grand-still clutches the remaining 18.36 million, smirking like Ippolit with a terminal diagnosis of wealth. “Why not?” he says, tweaking the devil’s nose. 🤡

As the crypto world continues to expand its reach, it seems like stock trading is the next frontier. On Wednesday, August 6, PancakeSwap (CAKE) is diving into the deep end by offering stock perpetuals for-you guessed it-Apple, Amazon, and Tesla. 🚀

The esteemed Wall Street Journal, of whose columns even my Aunt Varvara has grown suspicious, whispers of some executive order draft-a draft so secret, apparently, that even the wind dared not carry it. The order, in essence, would send regulators careening through corridors of financial houses, peering under every ledger and inquiring with the delicacy of an elephant as to whether Equal Credit Opportunity has been tossed aside, perhaps to make room for dusty portraits of old directors.

While institutional whales like SharpLink are playing the long game, retail investors are flooding the SUBBD Token ($SUBBD) presale, which is nearing the $1M mark. It’s like a digital gold rush, but instead of pickaxes and pans, they’re using their credit cards. 💳🔥

Yep, Pudgy Penguins (PENGU, because what could be more adorable and confusing at the same time?) is now on Robinhood’s shiny new tech platform. Traders can finally feel fancy while losing money faster than you can say “market correction.”

The Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office, those stalwart guardians of the mundane, allege that Martinez, through the glittering mirage of social media, peddled her fraudulent wares. Her modus operandi? A dance of debit cards and bad checks, a waltz of withdrawal before the music of reality could stop. Ah, the folly of youth, to think one could outwit the system with such a flimsy charade!

By Shayanmarkets (who else could pen such riveting prose?)

According to the sacred scrolls-a.k.a. the SEC filing-Galaxy’s stash of Bitcoin now boasts 17,102 coins, an increase from the humble 12,830 from just a quarter before. One might ponder whether they are hoarding it for some apocalyptic event or just looking to replace their old coins with shiny new ones. Meanwhile, the ethereum and XRP holdings have diminished-like a temperamental summer flower fading into the fall-posting numbers of 90,521 ETH (down from 155,026) and 15.38 million XRP (down from 16.9 million). Perhaps someone in the office thought, ‘Let’s offload some of that Ethereum sadness and XRP melodrama’-or maybe some big investor said, ‘I’d rather hold a Bitcoin than a broken dream.’

Sei (SEI), in a performance as dramatic as any Shakespearean tragedy, saw its price plummet 33% from its mid-July zenith of $0.39 to a nadir of $0.26 on August 2. Yet, in a plot twist that would make any novelist proud, it formed a higher low compared to its previous descent and bounced back to $0.30. A flurry of quick profit-takers then brought SEI’s price back to $0.28 at the time of writing, though it remains loyal to the newly established ascending trendline, a testament to its resilience. 📈

In a report that came out on a fine Thursday, SBI laid out their grand scheme for not one, but two crypto-based ETF products. The first of these delightful concoctions is a mix of gold and crypto asset ETFs, all bundled up in a trust like a Christmas present nobody asked for. The proposal suggests a 51% allocation to gold-based ETFs and a cheeky 49% to crypto-asset ETFs, including our beloved Bitcoin. It’s like a financial buffet where you can have your gold and eat your crypto too! 🍽️