Cryptonews

But wait, there’s more! As part of this Hollywood-style merger saga, Gryphon Digital Mining is doing what every good company does when things get too crowded: a five-for-one reverse stock split. This little magic trick shrinks their shares down to about 16.6 million. It’s like shrinking your waistline after Thanksgiving dinner-except instead of pie, they’re serving up Bitcoin ambitions. 🍰 And let’s not forget who’s behind the curtain here: Eric and Donald Trump Jr., rebranding masters extraordinaire. Their goal? To turn American Bitcoin into the Scrooge McDuck of treasury-focused miners. Quack quack. 🦆

Your beloved buddies at Amplify are aiming for personal finance nirvana: a reliable monthly paycheck for investors plus a chance to twirl alongside XRP’s price waltz using a savvy covered call strategy. 🕺✨

The clamoring for diversified crypto investments has morphed from a mere murmur into a cacophony of desire. Permit me to present the essential knowledge to navigate this unfolding tale.

Let’s rewind for a sec. On 29 August (a day that will live in infamy-or at least in crypto trading history), Wormhole [W] had a wild ride. It surged by 33.2% in just four hours-from $0.079 to $0.106. Impressive, right? Almost as impressive as me trying to adult before coffee. ☕️ But hold onto your hats because what goes up must come down-and oh boy, did it ever. Thanks to Bitcoin deciding it was tired of being everyone’s golden child, Wormhole shed most of those gains faster than I can say “sell.” 📉💔

The rabble had gathered with the sort of expectant tension usually reserved for the final chukka of the Cowes Regatta, all in hopes of witnessing a ruling from Judge Jia Cobb. Lisa Cook, our beleaguered Fed Governor, had thrown down legal gauntlets at President Trump for booting her, seemingly sans cause. Alas, instead of a bombshell verdict, Cobb, exhibiting the patience of a saint at a vicar’s tea party, chose to merely lend an ear to Cook’s barrister, Mr. Abbe Lowell, and the DOJ’s principal deputy chap, Yaakov Roth. The pair sparred for nigh on two hours, producing more legalese than a family reunion of lawyers, after which Cobb asked both barristers to jot down their cleverest arguments on parchment and deliver by next Tuesday. Procrastination: a tradition as old as British rain.

Big news, darlings! The latest whisperings include a shiny new feature: staking via Marinade Finance. Imagine that-your Solana can now be delegated and reinvested, like a well-to-do uncle who’s got a knack for turning debts into dividends. And thanks to Marinade’s “instant unbonding”, you can now redeem faster than a raffish gentleman disappears from a Badminton match-no more being tied up in the usual cryptic lock-up cycle. Cheers to that! 🍸

Not just any buyer, BitMine has practically thrown itself into the Ethereum pool, diving in so deep that one might wonder if it’s swimming with the sharks-or rather, swimming with billions in ETH. This publicly traded company has gone on a shopping spree that would make even the most shameless capitalist blush. BitMine now holds more Ethereum than you can shake a stick at. In fact, it’s the largest publicly traded Ethereum treasury in the entire world! And no, it didn’t stumble upon this fortune in a “cryptocurrency sale” like some lucky investor-oh no, this is all part of a grand, calculated masterstroke.

According to some particularly enthusiastic souls on X (formerly Twitter), ETH isn’t merely another token; no, it’s the very lifeblood of the “on-chain economy.” A reserve asset, they say, underpinning the future of finance itself. One can almost hear the violins swelling in the background as SharpLink Gaming declares their undying devotion-not to Ethereum per se, but to what it represents: the future. Or perhaps just a very clever marketing ploy. Either way, they’re doubling down harder than a blackjack player who’s had too much champagne.

Picture this: a ragtag bunch of folks taking on a shadowy global cabal hell-bent on keeping Bitcoin’s elusive creator’s identity under tighter wraps than your ex’s DMs. Spoiler alert: it’s messy, dramatic, and probably involves at least three betrayals and one inexplicable café scene.

Sure, they had $126 million quietly tiptoeing out of their XBT Provider lineup (we all have that one relative who sneaks away at parties), but lucky for them, the market decided to throw a party and pump the AUM up anyway. Spoiler: Bitcoin shot up nearly 29% and Ethereum went on a caffeine-fueled 37% sprint in August, setting fresh records like the overachievers they are.