On the long-term chart, old Doge’s history is as predictable as Jeeves bringing my morning tea. A series of rounded basing formations, you see, each one a prelude to a vertical jolly-up. The first, from 2014 to 2017, ended with a bit of a to-do; the second, spanning 2018 to 2020, culminated in the 2021 blow-off-rather like Bertie Wooster after too much champagne. 🥂 And now, a third arc has been curving since 2022, as steady as a butler’s hand.
Trump, that master of half-truths, declared the GENIUS Act would “cement U.S. dominance of global finance.” A noble goal if you’re a U.S. citizen-or a Wall Street banker. For the rest of us? It’s a digital gavel, hammering the dreams of the Global South into the pavement. 💀
You might think it’s just a little number dance, but oh no, this isn’t just about digits-it’s about where the crypto bigwigs are throwing their cash these days. And trust me, this shift in rankings? It’s a big deal. 📈
Yes, you heard that right-roughly $660 million in whale accumulation has sparked a glimmer of optimism that ETH could be on the cusp of a recovery. But of course, not everyone is convinced. I mean, when are they ever? 🙄
The new earnings report of Tesla shows that the company has not engaged in any sales or acquisitions during Q3. It reported $28.1 billion in revenue, which is like finding a gold coin in a pile of hay-surprising, but still just hay. 🐄💰
HTX, which operates under the charmless alias of “not authorized to function in the UK,” allegedly treated Her Majesty’s subjects to a carnival of unauthorized crypto promotions. The FCA, ever the vigilant bouncer at capitalism’s nightclub, insists this lawsuit is “for the good of the club” – or rather, to protect consumers from digital cowboys who think financial regulations are mere suggestions. Remedies sought include judicial equivalents of a stern talking-to, possible sanctions, and a firm “no more cookie dough” warning. Britons are advised to regard HTX’s missives with the suspicion of a cat eyeing a cucumber.
The crypto market, ever the optimist, is attempting to regain its composure, with Bitcoin eyeing a lofty $110,000-though one suspects it’s more of a hopeful glance than a confident stride. 🎩💼 The CoinDesk 20 Index has risen over 1% in the past 24 hours, alongside double-digit gains in tokens like HYPE, KHYPE, and XMR. A veritable parade of optimism, if you’ll forgive the metaphor. 🎉
This move is nothing short of a crypto-boost, as Revolut gets ready to unveil its shiny new “Crypto 2.0” platform-something to make your average crypto wallet look like a thing from the Stone Age. The company eagerly spilled the beans via a news release sent to CryptoMoon, promising a future where crypto is not just a gamble, but regulated and playable by mere mortals.
On Wednesday, Jupiter proudly announced the beta launch of their Jupiter Prediction Market, where users can bet on-wait for it-events. Groundbreaking. Kalshi, their partner in this noble endeavor, will provide liquidity, which is corporate-speak for “holding the bucket while you vomit your life savings into it.”
The entrepreneurial spirit-or perhaps, the famed cheekbones of big-money investors-has brought Polymarket to the forefront, as it entertains conversations to raise funds at a valuation of $12 to $15 billion. Bloomberg, our faithful harbinger of big deals, hinted at this on October 23, whispering secrets from those well-versed in fiscal mysteries.
