Coinbase’s Dismal Quarter: A Rollercoaster of Woes and a Crypto Bloodbath

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Ah, Coinbase! Once soaring high, now crashing down like a knight who lost his armor in battle. This so-called crypto exchange has had its most disastrous quarter since the cataclysmic collapse of FTX in 2022. A true tragedy for its investors, if there ever was one! 🧐

Let’s take a look at this charming tale of financial despair. Coinbase’s stock, on January 2, was cruising at a respectable $257. By March 31, it had plummeted to a mere $172. Oh, the humanity! A catastrophic 33% drop, as though the crypto gods themselves were punishing the exchange for its ambition. 😱

Now, this misfortune marks the worst performance for Coinbase’s stock since FTX fell into the abyss in November 2022. For a little historical flavor, let us recall Q4 of 2022, when Coinbase’s stock was like a bird in a cage, falling from nearly $66 on October 3 to a feeble $35.40 by December 30. A grim 46.36% plunge, no less! Ah, the sweet smell of ruin… 🍂

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But wait, there’s more! Coinbase may have stumbled, but it’s certainly no pauper. In fact, some crypto experts are whispering that Coinbase has gained so much power in the crypto market that it’s now the Ethereum network’s largest node operator. Fancy that! Although, this growing dominance raises an interesting question: Is Coinbase turning into the mighty overlord of the crypto world, and should we be concerned about network centralization? Oh, the intrigue! 😏

And now, for a little financial foreplay: Coinbase will soon reveal its 2025 financials, possibly in May. Their shareholder letter boldly claims that, as of February 11, they have pulled in $750 million from transactions and expect $685-$765 million from subscriptions. While the exact profit figures remain elusive, MarketBeat’s cheeky estimation puts them at a modest $1.87 billion. A trifle, really. 🙄

The Grand Crypto Bloodbath: A Spectacle to Behold

But Coinbase, my dear friends, is not alone in its suffering. The crypto market is having a grand ol’ time as nearly every public crypto company takes a tumble this quarter. Take Marathon Digital Holdings, for example. It opened Q1 at nearly $17.50 and closed at a dismal $11, marking a tragic 37% loss. A marvelous spectacle of downfall! 👏

Riot Platforms fared a little better, opening just below $10.50 and closing at $7.12—only a 32% loss. Bravo, Riot! Your performance is almost inspiring in its mediocrity. Bitfarms, however, plunged from $1.56 to a heartbreaking $0.79—losing nearly half its value. A masterclass in losing money. 🏆

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Hut 8, a firm with more red candles than a Christmas tree, started the year at $21.10 and ended the quarter at a laughable $11.62—losing nearly 45%. It’s almost as though these companies are racing to the bottom! And yet, Hut 8 persists, despite a partnership with none other than Donald Trump’s sons, aiming to build the world’s largest Bitcoin mining operation. A commendable goal… if only the market didn’t have a vendetta against them. 🤷‍♂️

Other notable tragic heroes include Hive Digital Technologies, whose stock fell from $2.97 to $1.45, and Canaan Creative, which lost a near 58.4% of its value, going from $2.11 to $0.88. Truly, it is a great time for cryptos, if you’re into watching disasters unfold in slow motion. 🍿

Geopolitics: A Deliciously Unpredictable Ingredient

But the market isn’t just feeling the burn from crypto chaos. No, no—geopolitics has added some spice to the mix. The stock market as a whole has taken a sizable hit, and analysts are pointing fingers at the current geopolitical maelstrom. The S&P 500 opened the quarter at $5,890 and closed at $5,610, losing over 4.75%. Investors, clutching their pearls, are unsure whether to cry or laugh. 💸

And then, of course, there’s President Donald Trump, who continues to wage his trade war with the fervor of a knight fighting dragons. Word on the street is that a global trade war is looming, pressuring both traditional markets and crypto. A potential US tariff announcement on April 2 has the market on edge. Hold your breath, dear investors! 😬

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In a rare moment of optimism, Alex Obchakevich from Obchakevich Research tells CryptoMoon that, despite the chaos, one company is holding its own: Strategy (formerly MicroStrategy). Despite a meager loss of just 3.95%, from $300.11 to $288.27, it’s managing to hang on. Why? A solid bet on Bitcoin, of course, and a jaw-dropping 400% growth in 2024. Well, isn’t that a delightful turn of fortune! 🤑

“Its stock has held up thanks to a bet on Bitcoin and 400% growth in 2024.”

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2025-04-01 16:58