Coinbase’s Quantum Gambit: Save Bitcoin or Lose It All?

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Oh, the drama! Coinbase, that paragon of fiscal wisdom, has summoned an independent quantum risk board to safeguard Bitcoin and blockchains from the specter of quantum computing-because nothing says “trust us” like a group of cryptographers whispering in shadows about “potential threats.”

  • Coinbase, in a grand gesture, has summoned a council of sages to evaluate the long-term cryptographic perils threatening Bitcoin, Ethereum, and other chains. A true Renaissance of security!
  • The board, a troupe of leading cryptographers and researchers, will publish position papers so profound they may as well be written in hieroglyphs. Their first risk assessment? A mere “early next year” delay, because nothing says “urgency” like a 12-month timeline.
  • Coinbase’s policy paper, a masterclass in tokenization, claims to democratize global capital markets. Because nothing says “equality” like blockchain, which, let’s be honest, is just a fancy way of saying “we’ll let a few more people lose their savings.”

Coinbase, ever the dramatic hero, has established an advisory board to confront the existential threat of quantum computing. A noble quest, indeed, though one wonders if they’ve considered the simpler solution: not building a system reliant on “secure” cryptography that could crumble like a soufflé in a hurricane.

The company assures us it will publish guidance for the crypto industry to “prepare” for quantum threats. How thoughtful! As if the world’s best minds haven’t already been scrambling to solve this problem since the 1990s.

Quantum computers, those mythical beasts, could disrupt industries from healthcare to national security. But for blockchain networks, the stakes are particularly high, as they rely on “elliptic-curve cryptography”-a system so secure, it’s practically a religion. Until a quantum machine arrives, of course, to prove otherwise.

Coinbase’s advisory board, a gathering of scholars and wizards, will assess risks and offer guidance. One might say they’re playing the role of modern-day alchemists, turning leaden fears into gold-standard reassurances.

The board’s members, a who’s who of cryptography, include names like Scott Aaronson, Dan Boneh, and Yehuda Lindell. A dream team, if ever there was one-though one suspects their real job is to nod solemnly and say, “This is very serious.”

Large-scale quantum computers, the stuff of sci-fi, don’t yet exist. But Coinbase, ever the visionary, insists we must prepare “years in advance.” A wise move, akin to building a bunker for a zombie apocalypse while the zombies are still a theoretical concept.

Meanwhile, Coinbase’s policy paper on tokenization promises to “expand access” to capital markets. A noble goal, though one might question why a system that already allows anyone with an internet connection to invest in cryptocurrencies still excludes “two-thirds of the world’s adult population.” Ah, yes-the age-old problem of geography.

The paper laments that “birthplace still shapes capital access,” as if this weren’t the case since the dawn of time. How groundbreaking! One wonders if Coinbase’s next paper will reveal that “air exists” or “gravity is a thing.”

Coinbase CEO Brian Armstrong, ever the philosopher-entrepreneur, claims access to capital is determined by “birthplace, not talent.” A bold statement, though one might argue it’s less about talent and more about not being born into a country with a 10% investment rate.

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2026-01-22 15:54