Crypto’s Tumble: Tariffs, Tantrums, and Tehran-Oh My!

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My dear, what a perfectly dreadful Monday it’s been for the crypto set! The global market, that fickle darling, has taken a nosedive of 4.5%, leaving us all clutching our pearls and wondering where it all went wrong. Blame it on Trump’s latest tariff tantrum or the simmering tensions with Iran-either way, it’s enough to make one long for a stiff drink and a spot of bridge.

  • The crypto market, darling, has shed 4.5% of its luster-how gauche!
  • Trump’s tariffs have investors in a tizzy, darlings. Simply unbearable.
  • And Iran? Well, the mere mention of it has sent risk-on assets into a tailspin. How utterly tiresome.

According to the ever-so-reliable crypto.news, Bitcoin-that bellwether of the digital age-has plummeted 5%, from a rather respectable $68,000 to a most unbecoming $64,435. Losing the $65,000 mark? How dreadfully embarrassing.

Ethereum, poor dear, has fared no better, tumbling 5.8% to under $1,900. And the rest of the crypto clan? XRP, BNB, Dogecoin, Bitcoin Cash-all down between 5% and 6%. Solana, that ambitious upstart, has dipped a shocking 9% to $77. Really, one can’t keep up with the drama.

This latest downturn has triggered a wave of liquidations, of course. Bullish bets? Liquidated. Leveraged markets? In tatters. CoinGlass reports a staggering $464 million in positions wiped out in the past 24 hours. Long positions, naturally-how utterly predictable.

Open interest has fallen 1.3%, darlings. Traders are unwinding their positions faster than one can say “market correction.” It’s all rather undignified, don’t you think?

And the Crypto Fear and Greed index? Well, it’s sunk into extreme fear levels, sitting at a pitiful 5. February has been a month of terror, my dear, and it shows no signs of letting up.

Tariff Tomfoolery and Crypto Chaos

The crypto market, that delicate flower, has wilted under the weight of Trump’s tariff theatrics. The man simply cannot resist a bit of drama, can he? The U.S. Supreme Court ruled against his emergency tariff program, and what does he do? Re-imposes a 10% tariff, of course, eventually raising it to 15%. How utterly exhausting.

Investors, those nervous Nellies, fear these tariffs could stifle global growth and reignite inflation. Remember last year’s 145% tariff threats on China? The crypto market tanked 10% in a single day. One can hardly blame them for being skittish.

The Iran Imbroglio

And then there’s Iran, darling. The U.S. is flexing its military muscles in the Persian Gulf, and Trump-ever the provocateur-has hinted at an aerial attack within 10 days. A war in the Middle East? How dreadfully inconvenient for global trade. Bitcoin, once touted as a safe haven, has failed to live up to the hype. Investors are flocking to gold like moths to a flame. How très banal.

Crypto’s Divorce from Tech Stocks

To add insult to injury, the crypto market has diverged from tech stocks. Asian indexes like the Nikkei and Hang Seng are rising, while Bitcoin and its cohorts are in freefall. The “digital gold” narrative? Shattered, my dear. Bitcoin has become a high-risk speculative asset, and retail confidence is in tatters. How utterly disappointing.

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2026-02-23 12:12