Somewhere amid the fog and drizzle of Her Majesty’s ancient capital, the United Kingdom has once again managed to trip over its own feet in the digital asset market. Naturally, we wouldn’t expect anything less from a country that still has arguments about whether tea should be poured before or after the milk (let alone dare to keep pace with stablecoins).
Who comes to castigate the City this time? None other than George Osborne—a man who once presided over the Exchequer, now trading in ministerial red boxes for cryptocurrencies and lobbying badges with the same nonchalance one might use to swap hats during a performance at the Bolshoi. Apparently, Osborne has taken up the noble cause of “advising” Coinbase, which is surely the 2024 equivalent of consulting for Woland and his diabolical retinue.
“I, for one, cannot sleep,” scribbles Mr. Osborne in the Financial Times, his trembling hands clutching the stationary. “And why should I be able to? We’re falling behind—London! The cradle of innovation, now sulking at the back of the classroom!”
His qualms focus on the mysterious alchemy of stablecoins—onchain tokens, promising to whisk away friction from transactions. (Does anyone believe there’s only friction with currency and not, say, with trying to rent a flat in London?)
London’s reputation, Osborne laments, was forged by embracing innovation. But now, he argues, the British have dulled their appetite for adventure, preferring instead a nice cup of tea and a nap on the laurels they’ve been sitting on since Victorian times. “Comrades, we are being left behind,” he wails, the handkerchief never far from his brow, “It is time to catch up!” Whether anyone in Westminster heard him remains another matter entirely.
Meanwhile, across the Atlantic, the Americans are busily naming legislation after superlatives—the GENIUS Act, no less—while ensuring the dollar reigns atop the global heap. Osborne puckishly warns that if the UK keeps snoozing, the pound won’t even have a bit part, never mind a starring role, in the great drama of stablecoins. No one wants to be the extra waving in the background while the dollar chews up scenery and applause.
The irony stings, given that sterling is still among the five most traded currencies in the world—although that’s cold comfort when your own Chancellor, Rachel Reeves, apparently mislaid her plans for stablecoins somewhere between the dispatch box and the nearest Pret A Manger.
Coinbase’s Satirical Opera: “Everything Is Fine” — Or Is It? 🎭
What’s a corporate lobbyist to do? Commission an ad christened “Everything Is Fine,” naturally! This provocative musical number, devised by Coinbase, paints a tableau of the UK’s economic woes so dreary even Ivan Homeless would raise an eyebrow. Here, crypto is positioned as the glittering hope amid the collapsing flats and rising costs—a sort of digital balm for Britannia’s endless post-Brexit headache.
Coinbase, never short a grain of irony, remarks: “If everything is fine, then don’t change anything at all.” An invitation, if ever there was one, to abandon all hope ye who hold pound sterling. The ad reportedly never saw the light of British television—according to Coinbase CEO Brian Armstrong—though the BBC and their journalistic rivals are all still squinting at the record to verify this injustice. Somewhere, an Ofcom bureaucrat is sighing into his tea.
Coinbase’s American lobbying escapades have become something of a legend: millions of dollars thrown at campaigns in 2024, apparently proving that democracy and crypto are both best served with a splash of drama and the occasional dark money PAC.
Now, with Osborne’s editorial missives and its own satirical advertisements, Coinbase appears to be reacquainting itself with the UK—the place it first set up shop in 2015. Whether Albion will answer, and if the pound will ever be more than a polite bystander in the digital parade, that is a mystery even Woland might refuse to spoil.
So, will London awaken from its digital slumber, or will it simply refill the kettle and, with a resigned sigh, let the dollars and stablecoins dance without it? As ever, the British weather remains reliably unpredictable, and so does the City’s response to innovation. ☂️
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2025-08-04 21:00