Trump Declares Crypto “Hotter Than Borscht”—Even as Bitcoin Trips on a Cossack Dance

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In a world where fortunes rise and fall more swiftly than Moscow snow, a curious drama unfolded: though BTC, that Herculean titan of digital finance, could not storm the $100,000 threshold, and the bustling market recoiled with the faintest 2.1% shiver, President Donald Trump, stout in resolve and perhaps a little blissfully befuddled, entered the stage to trumpet his unwavering belief in the vigor of crypto. “It is very popular, very hot, much stronger than the stock market!” he declared—words delivered with the solemnity of a man deciding between tea and vodka at breakfast.

The occasion? A May 4 fireside chitchat (alas, with no fire, only spirited questions) with moderator Kristen Welker. Here the beleaguered Kristen, like a lone peasant tracking a runaway horse, persisted with questions on Trump’s private crypto vault, his miraculous meme coin that bore his name, and his administration’s views on this spectral financial beast.

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“Well, that doesn’t mean anything.” The numbers, like peasant rumors, seemed beneath such titans.

As for the whispers of a coin “pump and dump” scam percolating through the marketplace like weak tea, Trump—always the noble landowner—denied lining his own pockets, brusquely declaring: “I’m not profiting from anything.” (Which, coming from a billionaire, has a certain tragic nobility, or maybe is just comedy—choose your adventure.)

But in this spectacle of claims and denials, what truly glimmered was Trump’s resounding belief in crypto as a bulwark for American spirit in the great chess match with China.

“I want crypto. I think crypto’s important because if we don’t do it, China’s going to,” he proclaimed, face expectant, as though awaiting applause from both Wall Street and Siberian wolves. 🐺🪙

He extolled their durability: “It’s very popular, it’s very hot.” Indeed, like an ill-timed samovar, crypto managed to warm itself even as American markets caught a cold during a tariff squabble with foreign powers.

“If you look at the market, when the market went down, that stayed much stronger than other aspects of the market,” he said. The tone suggested the kind of pride usually reserved for a prize bull or particularly robust turnip crop.

Pressed further, Trump, never one to spurn a fickle crowd, unveiled the reason for his newfound affection: “Millions of people want it!” A phrase so Tolstoyan, it might belong in a peasant uprising—if only peasants wanted NFTs.

Meanwhile, the Trump Media & Technology Group cast a longing gaze at crypto riches, murmuring of plans to wed this digital revolution with their own grand designs. Whether this would be lasting matrimony or a vodka-fueled midnight affair remained unclear.

Bitcoin: The Reluctant Czar

And so to BTC, the battered nobleman of cryptocurrencies: last Friday, with all the optimism of a Russian ball in spring, it leapt to $98,000—then, overcome by ennui and gravity, fell below $96,000 for a sullen weekend retreat. The tale was no different than many a Russian winter—long, dreary, and only briefly sunlit.

BTC now loiters at $94,666, daily volumes swirling around $19.5 billion—enough rubles to buy several minor estates or perhaps an oligarch’s affection. Market dominance remains above 60%, which, in Tolstoy’s world, would be just enough to start a war, or at least a spirited fistfight at the tavern. 🍻

In this great Russian novel set on Wall Street’s icy steppes, crypto is both miracle and mystery. But perhaps, as with all things Tolstoyan, we are left pondering whether these gains are ephemeral, and if even a Czar (or a reality star) can truly master fate—or simply dine well while the serfs speculate. 🪙🥄

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2025-05-06 00:59