Why Bitcoin Yawns at Fed Drama: A Tale of Jobs, Inflation, and 🤔

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Ah, dear reader, welcome to the Asia Pacific Morning Brief-your daily dose of crypto chaos served with a side of sarcasm. Grab your green tea (or vodka, we don’t judge) and prepare for a journey through the absurdity of markets. Today’s guide is brought to you by Paul Kim, who may or may not be secretly mining Bitcoin in his basement.

Behold! The US jobs report has arrived like a storm cloud over Wall Street, fueling hopes of not one, not two, but three rate cuts this year. Major stock indices rallied like teenagers at a rock concert, but Bitcoin? Oh, Bitcoin merely shrugged, as if to say, “Meh, I’ve seen worse.” 🤷‍♂️

The Jobs Report: A Comedy of Errors

Last week, Bitcoin (BTC) rose 2.72%, Solana (SOL) gained 2.64%, and Ethereum (ETH)? Well, ETH decided to sulk, dropping 2.07%. Poor thing. 😢

But let us turn our attention to the star of last week’s show: the US August non-farm payrolls (NFP) report. This sacred economic indicator can make or break dreams-or so they say. July’s report was already a disaster, with just 73,000 new jobs added. Then came August, which managed to outdo its predecessor by adding a paltry 22,000 jobs. And oh, the cherry on top? June’s data was revised downward, revealing a loss of 13,000 jobs-the worst performance since 2021. Bravo, America. 🎭

The unemployment rate crept up to 4.3%, a number that might not scream “crisis,” but certainly whispers, “Something’s not right here.” The labor market appears to be teetering on the edge of a cliff, ready to tumble into the abyss of mediocrity. Yet, somehow, Bitcoin rebounded to $113,000 before losing steam faster than a Soviet-era tractor. 🚜

What happened next? Ah, yes, AI-related stocks took a nosedive, dragging the Nasdaq-and Bitcoin-down with them. Even BlackRock’s IBIT saw a $63.2 million outflow, its first in 10 days. It seems even the mighty institutions are questioning whether Bitcoin is worth the hype. Spoiler alert: they probably shouldn’t. 😉

Ethereum’s Existential Crisis

If Bitcoin is having an identity crisis, Ethereum is practically having an existential meltdown. Last week, the spot ETF market drained over $780 million from ETH, including a jaw-dropping $446.71 million exodus on Friday. One wonders if Ethereum’s price is being propped up solely by die-hard believers and corporate treasuries hoarding ETH like it’s toilet paper during a pandemic. 🚽

Still, some public companies continue to accumulate ETH. Bitmine owns 152,300 ETH, SharpLink Gaming clings to 39,000 ETH, and The Ether Machine sits comfortably with 150,000 ETH. Perhaps these firms know something we don’t-or perhaps they’re just stubborn optimists. Either way, hats off to them. 🎩

Inflation Reports: The Final Frontier?

This week, all eyes will be on the Producer Price Index (PPI) and Consumer Price Index (CPI). Economists predict a modest 0.3% month-over-month rise in PPI and a 2.9% year-over-year increase in CPI. If these numbers disappoint, rate-cut expectations will soar, potentially sparking a rally in risk assets-including Bitcoin and Ethereum.

But let’s be honest: predicting crypto movements is like trying to forecast the weather in Siberia. You think you know what’s coming, but then a blizzard hits out of nowhere. ❄️

So, dear reader, buckle up. Whether Bitcoin rallies or craters depends entirely on factors beyond human comprehension. But hey, at least we have memes to keep us entertained. 😂

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2025-09-08 04:17