Babak Zanjani’s Cryptocurrency Caper: A Tale of Fake Directors and Billion-Dollar Balderdash!

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Key Highlights

  • The UK has launched a compulsory strike-off against Zedxion Exchange, a crypto platform accused of fibbing about its directors and laundering cash for Iran’s IRGC. The government, clearly tired of bad jokes, is now shutting it down with the enthusiasm of a grumpy toad squishing a fly.
  • Meet Babak Zanjani, Iran’s answer to a disreputable magician-except instead of pulling rabbits from hats, he’s pulling $1 billion from wallets linked to Iran’s military. His resume includes a death sentence (later downgraded to a slap on the wrist) for embezzling oil funds. Truly, a renaissance man.
  • Zedxion’s “director,” Elizabeth Newman, was a stock photo with a LinkedIn profile. Investigators were so baffled they considered hiring her as a consultant for fake identities. Prior art? A man named Babak Morteza-who suspiciously looks just like Zanjani-pretended to run the show for a year.

Britain’s Companies House, a place where even the filing cabinets seem judgmental, has declared war on Zedxion Exchange Ltd. This crypto platform, which probably thinks it’s cleverer than a bag of marbles, is now on the chopping block for allegedly helping Iran’s IRGC. The government’s patience has worn thinner than a pretzel in a hurricane.

Investigators discovered Zedxion’s “director” was a digital ghost who existed only in a stock photo. If that’s not a red flag, what is? A traffic cone? The company’s creativity in deception was so lacking, even a toddler could’ve guessed the truth.

This crackdown follows U.S. sanctions that hit Zedxion and its sidekick, Zedcex, like a ton of bricks. The Treasury Department’s OFAC, clearly fed up with crypto shenanigans, labeled them both as Zanjani’s puppets. If only puppets could pay taxes.

A Director So Fake, She’s a Stock Photo

The OCCRP, a group of investigative journalists with more caffeine than common sense, uncovered Elizabeth Newman’s identity crisis. Turns out she’s a Dominican Republic citizen who’s never left her couch. Zedxion used her photo in marketing videos like it was a family portrait. Prior to Newman, a man named Babak Morteza (spoiler: same guy) played director for a year. Coincidence? No. Sleight of hand? Yes.

Zanjani, now back in business after a reduced death sentence (Iran’s justice system: part courtroom, part improv comedy), has a knack for dodging trouble. His latest venture, DotOne Holding Group, deals in crypto, forex, and telecoms-industries so ripe for sanctions evasion, they might as well be labeled “Please Don’t Sanction Me.”

TRM Lab Unearths a Crypto Treasure Trove

Blockchain sleuths at TRM Labs found Zedxion and Zedcex processing roughly $1 billion for Iran’s IRGC. In 2024, that was 87% of their business. By 2025, they diversified-only 48% of transactions were shady. Progress! They also had accounts so dormant, even moss wouldn’t grow there. A paradox of finance!

OFAC, the U.S. sanctions department, called Zanjani a “financial wizard” who funded the IRGC’s projects. If only he’d learned to juggle real money instead of fake identities.

Companies House: The Corporate Cop You Never Knew You Needed

Companies House, armed with the Economic Crime and Corporate Transparency Act 2023, is now checking directors’ identities like a suspicious parent at a sleepover. They demand companies be set up for “legal purposes”-a phrase that probably doesn’t include laundering billions for Iran’s military.

Meanwhile, Iran’s crypto empire grows. Chainalysis reported $154 billion flowed to IRGC-linked addresses last year-a 162% increase. If this keeps up, the IRGC might start selling NFTs next. Just a thought.

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2026-03-19 22:44