Ether’s Downfall: Bullish Blather or Bearish Bedlam? 😂

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Oh, dear Ethereum, stumbling along like a hapless debutante at a society ball, has tripped right past that pesky $3,800 mark, wallowing now at a mere $3,719 after a rather undignified 7% plummet. The air reeks of exchange inflows and hawking hordes, with the sages prophesying yet more gloom before any sort of revival-sarcasm neatly tucked into their graphs, no doubt. Bitcoin (BTC) at $105,907, 24h volatility: 4.9%, market cap: $2.11 T, vol. 24h: $104.19 B.

Crypto oracle Ted, with the earnestness of a vicar warning of tempests, predicts ETH might toddle down to retest the $3,600 parlour, dubbing it a formidable bulwark. “Reclaim $4,000 forthwith,” he intones gravely, “or else momentum shall forsake us.” How quaint these modern soothsayers.

$ETH has lost its $3,800 support level.

The next support region is around $3,600, which will most likely get retested.

For Ethereum to gain strength, it needs to reclaim $4,000 really soon.

– Ted (@TedPillows) October 17, 2025

This lament echoes from trader Merlijn, who peers into the abyss and whispers that Wintermute, that roguish market maestro, has been dispatching millions in BTC, ETH, and SOL to the exchanges on October 17-much like loading cannon for a rout. “Last time this calamity befell, Bitcoin dumped with operatic fury. Pray for your bags,” he croaks. One imagines a chorus of distressed investors clutching sacred cryptocurrencies. 🙏

🚨ALERT:

WINTERMUTE IS SENDING MILLIONS IN $BTC, $ETH, AND $SOL TO EXCHANGES.

THE LAST TIME THIS HAPPENED,BITCOIN DUMPED HARD.

PRAY FOR YOUR BAGS 🙏

– Merlijn The Trader (@MerlijnTrader) October 17, 2025

Ah, and the Spot ETH ETFs, those fickle fetishes of finance, have seen net outflows of roughly $80 million this week, with $56.8 million vanishing on Oct. 16 alone. Investors, it seems, are cooling like a tepid champagne, awaiting some deus ex machina to reignite their feverish hopes.

Technical titan Heisenberg observes that ETH languishes in a “neutral zone” betwixt $3,800 and $4,100, a spot it’s rehearsed ad nauseum since last year. Above a support trendline since late 2022, it perches precariously. “Bulls, defend this azure line, burst free of the verdant limbo, reconquer $4,900-$5,000, and never glance back,” he decrees. Else, a breach might haul it to $3,400, that dreadful nadir from last week’s mini-apocalypse. 👀

$ETH Bulls need to hold the notable blue support trendline, break out of the green “neutral zone” with conviction, go back and retest that obvious $4,900-$5,000 mark and not look back after that.

A solid break of the blue line and the next notable support area is $3,400.…

– Heisenberg (@Mr_Derivatives) October 17, 2025

The seer heralds ETH as the paramount crypto purchase, provided the defences hold. How droll, these bullish bromides amidst the gathering shadows.

What’s Next for Ether Price? A Satirical Spectacle, Perhaps?

On the weekly tableau, ETH fashions a rising wedge, that most querulous of bearish portents, particularly with dwindling volume-a veritable recipe for decline. Bollinger Bands constrict like a corset, heralding an imminent, grand movement, up or down, who can tell? The RSI murmurs of ebbing vigour, not yet oversold, urging consolidation or a slide to $3,600 before any heroic rebound, perhaps unto $4,000. One chuckles at the predictability of it all.

ETH weekly price chart with momentum indicators | Source: TradingView

Analyst Satoshi Stacker, channeling some pseudo-prophetic zeal, notes ETH’s MACD has reddened on the weekly chart. If affirmed at the October 12 close, it spells a saga of drop, bounce, deeper drop-losses from 18% to 80%, mind you. “If you hold $ETH, behold this doom!” he cries, with all the drama of a Shakespearian tragedy. 😱

IF YOU HOLD $ETH YOU NEED TO SEE THIS!

ETH’s MACD has flipped red on the weekly timeframe. If this signal is confirmed at the weekly close, it historically leads into a pattern of a drop, a bounce, and then a further drop with losses ranging from -18% to -80%.

– Satoshi Stacker (@StackerSatoshi) October 17, 2025

And thus, losses of 18% to 80% loom, a fine forfeiture indeed. Meanwhile, the crypto carnival reels on, dubbed an “early Black Friday” by the wags-though one suspects more Scrooge than Santa. Titans like BNB (BNB) at $1,068, 24h volatility: 9.2%, market cap: $148.60 B, vol. 24h: $5.70 B; Solana (SOL) at $181.2, 24h volatility: 7.5%, market cap: $98.88 B, vol. 24h: $11.55 B; and XRP (XRP) at $2.28, 24h volatility: 6.8%, market cap: $135.84 B, vol. 24h: $8.33 B-all enduring double-digit weekly debacles, betraying a market appetite perpetually starving itself.

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2025-10-17 18:23