Things You Absolutely Must Pretend You Knew Yesterday
Behold brethren! The Winklevoss twins-those Olympic-rower Harvard grads who once sued a dorm-mate-now wish to flog their crypto bazaar on the NASDAQ like carnival barkers with cufflinks.
Yes sir, the brothers W have filed paperwork that, if approved by the kind folks at the SEC, will let their Gemini outfit strut onto the Global Select Market under the ticker “GEMI.” That’s right, folks, the boys who couldn’t quite finish a rowing race want to finish an IPO. 🚣♂️💨
And timing? Oh, timing is darling. The Trump-era IPO window is swinging wide like a saloon door at happy hour. Everyone with an app and a PowerPoint is pouring through, ginning up dreams of instant yacht money.
Or, in Boring Corporate-Speak: Gemini Aims for the Big Board
The filing-printed on what we assume is recycled Harvard acceptance letters-reveals a plan to float Class A shares while keeping all high-vote Class B in the twins’ manicured mitts. Goldman, Morgan, and Citi stand by with smelling salts and road-show espresso shots.
Result: post-IPO Gemini becomes a “controlled company,” which is corporate argot meaning, “Mind your own board seat, peasant.”
Invented in 2014, Gemini sells everything from vanilla Bitcoin trades to a stablecoin (GUSD) that never quite escapes the stable to a credit card best used for selfies with the bar tab.
And the profit? Well, losses are a kind of profit-just measured in negative space, like avant-garde art 💸🖼️.
Meanwhile, In the Mar-a-Lago Greenroom…
The twins’ affection for Donald J. Trump grows like a Texas oil derrick. After stuffing $2 million in Bitcoin into the campaign’s digital saddlebags (and getting $1 million back-government as vending machine), they dropped more undisclosed dough into American Bitcoin, a mining outfit tied to Don Jr. and Eric-a firm so new its logo still smells of Photoshop.
At the GENIUS Act signing, Trump waved a Sharpie like a scepter and hailed the twins as crypto messiahs. Somewhere the ghost of Rockefeller winced, then asked, “Wait, stable what now?”
Investors Drunk on Hopium & Red Bull
Cue the parade of moonshot tickers. Circle-purveyors of USDC-went public in June, popped 167%, and briefly made day traders feel like Warren Buffett with faster Wi-Fi. Bullish (no, really, that’s the name) rocketed 200% on opening day-because nothing says sober investment like a ticker that sounds like a motivational poster.
The twins bring their boat shoes to the equity market next year. Bring your own oar; the SEC keeps asking who’s actually rowing. 🏁
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2025-08-17 07:07